Goodbye 2010;

So at midnight tonight, it will turn to 2011. Not only will I have trouble writing that on my papers at school, but I'll have trouble believing it. This year always seemed so far away. I was always hearing "Class 2011!" and all of that. But...I'm graduating in June. Why does that seem so hard to believe?

My goals for 2011?
Have more amazing times with my best friends and enjoy the time we have before graduation.
Pass my senior project!
Go to a cool concert?
Edit my novel I wrote!
Enjoy my first year of college!
Get over you...

I'm looking forward to you 2011, mostly because you hold so many promises. 2010 has been the year that has really shaped me into who I am, and now I'm determined to make this year the best!

You were just fine, I was holding on;

You guys have each other. You talk often. You get to tell each other you love one another. Maybe I'm being selfish, but you're taking that for granted. While I'm sitting here waiting for someone that will never return, I've given up. And what are you guys doing? Fighting over nothing. Over a misunderstanding.

It's bullshit.

You two were going to last from the beginning. And I knew it, but wouldn't admit it. You really were right Ayana. We were hopeless. We shouldn't have even tried.

So if you guys are supposed to be standing at the end, why are you fighting like immature idiots?

Answer me that.

Too long.

It's officially three months.

Congratulations, I believe you're actually gone.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve and I'm still having trouble eating. It's starting to drive me mad. And I really really really hate the taste of pepto bismol. Just sayin'

But I'm trying to keep in mind that next week is going to be great. There's another three day retreat at Aubrey's house with all of my favorite people and this time it's Harry Potter themed. So I'm going to Aubwarts! (: I'm really excited. These people are the ones I should have been friends with all along and the only reason I am sad is because we just met this year and soon we're graduating. So guess what? I'm going to enjoy my time with them as much as I can.

And for the next two days, I'm going to enjoy time with my family. Even though holidays are typically awkward for me and sometimes maddening at my house, I'm going to enjoy it. That's my goal.

Ramen & Anime;

Still sick. I eat about once a day. It sucks.

I've spent the whole day in bed with ramen and my laptop watching Spiral. <3 I feel like a loser, but I guess that's okay. I can't believe it's almost 2011. I'm going to graduate come June.

Wow. I think that's all I can really say right now.

It'll be a year on January 23rd since Jazzie made the site and since we all really became a group; a family. But one person's missing.

Screw him.

Toast is evilllll;

I haven't eaten anything all day. I don't think it will be long before I'm tearing apart the cupboards in my kitchen for food.

Total food I've eaten in three days:
-A bowl of soup
-Two pieces of toast

"Dude, if the toast has mold on it, you're not supposed to eat it. DUH." -Caitlin Pendleton

I got my period today and had barely anything with me at school and when I got in my car to go home to do so during my release time, my car had a flat tire. Win, huh? Especially since my self family teacher had been talking just two hours earlier about how she got a flat tire right after her daughter did. Chain reaction? Maybe.

All I know is I'm starving and tired and I really really really don't wanna go to work. But I get my secret santa gift, so hopefully that's cool. I've never wanted to eat a full course meal so badly in my life.

Hopefully when I do decide to finally eat, I don't get sick. Because I either have to be miserable sick or miserable hungry. I know I'm not gonna last much longer like this.

BLAH.

HUNGRYYY.

Still sick. I ate one piece of toast today. Still sick from it over nine hours later.

My.Life.Fails.

And the next two days I work.
Wonderful, right?
That means I'll be eating nothing.

‎"What kind of warped crap do they teach you on the East Side, huh? You really think drug dealers walk around, scalking in alleys, hiding in shadows like doped up ninjas? Welcome to reality." -Sofia from Crossing Lines

WIN AYANA.

Sickness & Acceptance;

I stayed home and slept today. I was supposed to go to work. I couldn't find anybody to cover my shift for me, but when I got there, my manager took one look at me and told me to go home. My co-worker Tanner even offered to work it when he'd been there all day. There is some hope for the world lately.

I'm starving. I want to eat. But I know if I do I'll get super sick. It's not even the flu....but what is it?

I got accepted to UWS. I know that's not really so difficult to do, because it's not like it's a big college or anything. It's not like you have to get straight A's or write a freakin' four page essay to get in, but I still feel this huge sense of accomplishment. After I got that call and heard those words, everything seemed to look up for a moment.

I'm going to college next fall.

Because I can't even think of a title for this blog;

I tried so hard to make today a good day. But nothing seemed to work out. First I was almost late to school because every clothes combination I put on I felt uncomfortable. And then I thought I lost my ipod. And then I even tried to have fun and go out to lunch with a bunch of my friends, but of course I got sick after that too. My stomach hates me.

I was supposed to work five to ten tonight. That didn't happen. I was sent home before eight even arrived. Why? Because I passed out.

I've never known what that's like and it's scary as hell. My body feels so messed up. I can't eat anything without getting sick and it's enough to make me not want to eat at all. Plus, my moods aren't so well either.

"Alright, who broke your heart?" -Rejis, a coworker

Strange how that question applies. Only I didn't answer. I felt sick the entire time. In every way. And I was tired and upset and I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I feel spazzy. Like I've had too much caffiene, but that's not the case.

I'm going to go take those damn sleeping pills like my mother said, even if they do give me nightmares. Goodnight.

I'm not torn, I'm just getting it together;

I know I already posted today, but I think I've gone crazy.

I didn't go to my seventh hour class. I skipped economics. I couldn't take another person asking me why I was so quiet or if I was okay. It's not that I didn't know they had good intentions. They care for me, but...none of them know. They never will. I went out to my car, but I knew I couldn't go home because my dad would be there. So I sat there in my car, crying with the heat on and the radio on. And at that moment I didn't give a fuck about whether or not I was wasting gas.

I just cried.

This is me with no you.

Hello Again;

I haven't blogged since the day I wrote that letter. Almost two months ago. Most of it is because of National Novel Writing Month. I was slaving away at writing a book for my senior project. The other reason why I haven't gotten back to this? I'm not sure I know what to say anymore.

It's been three months. A few blog entries ago I was complaining about it being two weeks, which is nothing in comparison. I'm bitter. More bitter than the blackest cup of coffee or the negative temperatures outside right now.

Today I feel as if I'm not really there. I've barely said a word to anybody today. I just...don't know what to say. Because nobody knows what's going on in my mind right now. And they never will.

I can't even tell you how broken I am. How angry I am. How every second I want to cry. And nobody understands because they're not living it. I feel alone.

Today I'm alone and cold. And i just wanna curl up in my bed under a bunch of blankets and sleep. I can't even eat. I'm hungry but every time I eat something, I get sick. And I can't have that.

Where has hope gone? That's right. Hope was that tiny thread I was holding onto. It's snapped.

Questions,

I haven't blogged in weeks and I only have questions:

When will we get our next time limited conversation?

Where are you?

Are you thinking of me too?

Are you okay?

What's going on in your life?

Why are you punishing yourself?



All questions that cannot be answered.


I've never known anything so painful. So much more than physical pain. Loving someone with such a distance and no communication is pure torture.

I need you here, but you're always so far away;

Two people who love each other, they shouldn't have to be separated.

I was in Willmar, MN Thursday-Sunday, visiting my dad. My whole family of five in a one bedroom apartment. Interesting. That's all I can say. But it was good to spend time with him. Seeing my family all together again reminded me of how much we rely on each other. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to him. I wish he could have gotten in the car with us and went home. Because he belongs here.

The sad thing is, we all believed he'd be back in the next few weeks. He had an interview at a job in Duluth. He was told he was the number one candidate. That they were going to pick him. And that didn't surprise me. My dad is the most kind, helpful, dedicated and hardworking person. I admire him so much for it. So it was hard to come home from work last night and hear my mom say he didn't get the job. That they picked someone else. My dad cried. He rarely cries.

It's not fair to them. I'm not religious. Not in the least bit, but this is something I'm going to pray for.

And I miss you. Where are you? Two weeks. I guess I shouldn't be counting because that drives me crazy. I was sick the one time I got to talk to you and I don't even remember it. Usually you get on a few times a week. And the hurricanes....I hope you're alright. I shouldn't worry so much, but I miss you.

I feel like a zombie lately. 13 hours of sleep last night. Guess I needed it. It was nice to have a day off from school. I'm just trying to take life day by day. To surround myself with great people. I know if I don't, I'll go crazy.

Employee of the month? Free food? WIN.

Lalalalala.

BLAHHHHHH.

YAWN. That's all I can say. September means start of school and it also means everyone brings back their germs, which also means I got sick. Hello nyquil, kleenex and my bed. I swear that's all I saw for two straight days. That and the inside of my eye lids....and some pretty fucked up dreams. I'm better now, but congested. Annoying. I miss my dad. I miss my island dweller, but what else is new? And I have a headache. I guess I should go to bed, but I just remembered my blog...I sorta fail lately.

GOALS:
Find a senior project mentor.

Well, I guess it's more like one goal. I'm too tired right now to come up with anything. At least tomorrow's friday, but then I work all weekend. Fail.

Carrie would classify this as a....

RUP.

Headaches & Seniority;

It's crazy, being a senior. I got my senior project approved and as of right now I'm scheduled to present on February 16th, 2011. I can't believe on June 4, 2011 I'll be walking that stage. Being a senior is still scary. But it's a little bit less terrifying now that I'm figuring things out. College is still up in the air. I know I'm going. I know what I'm going for. But I don't know where I'm going. I'm too scared to travel off on my own. It's funny how much I've been thinking about life lately. How things that once seemed so important, don't affect me much anymore. Because I know what I want and who I am. And now when I hear things people are talking about, complaining about, or saying to one another, I stop and think about how stupid they are and shake my head. Because they're missing out. Sure it's a part of growing up, I went through it too. But being immature, stepping over others to get yourself noticed, always needing a boyfriend, starting rumors, treating people like shit, the name calling, the constant gossip. It's all pointless. There are so much important things in life. So many better people to surround yourself with. And I can only hope that those people who haven't gotten to the point I have, will. Someday.

My headaches are plentiful lately. I guess you could say they're getting on my nerves, but I know it's from a little extra stress. But surprisingly, I'm doing well handling things. I think. Well, for me, I'm doing well at least. I've got a job, I've been hanging out with some great new people, concentrating on myself a bit more, letting myself enjoy life. So I'm doing alright. Even if I miss my dad. <3

I missed you today. I rarely get to talk to you and I count on that little bit of time we have. And I missed it. I hope you're back tomorrow.

"Boy, I wish you were beside me, a positive reaction, more distance, more attraction, interaction, never ever felt like this before,"
-Electronic Lover by Breathe Electric

Sigh...

I've come to the conclusion that Brittani Taylor is the next most inspiring person to me, after the members of Three Days Grace of course. She rewrites the lyrics to popular pop songs that have so much more meaning. They always have a great message. I can't stop listening to her version of Teenage Dream. Sosososo much better than Katy Perry's.


I really miss you,
Hope that you miss me too,
I wanna hold you,
Nothing that I can do,
So ordinary,
Without you by my side,
And I cry,

I loved your laughter,
The look that you gave just me,
Such a disaster,
I wish my soul was free,
So I could find you,
Wherever you are out there,
Cause I Care,

Why’d you go,
Why did you leave,
Me alone,
In life,
It’s not fair,
That you are gone,
And I feel empty inside,

I hope you are in a better place,
Hope the Lord has your soul to save,
Nothing left in my heart to break,
And now you are gone,
I am so torn,

All I saw was the love in you,
Heart so strong and I always knew,
You were mine and I was yours,
You are no more,
I can’t ignore,

I found a picture,
Remembered the night we spent,
With us together,
Barely could pay the rent,
It didn’t matter,
Because you were my best friend,
Till the end,

I can’t scream,
It does no good,
Doesn’t fix, what’s wrong,
No way to reverse the past,
Me and you,
How do I move on?

I hope you are in a better place,
Hope the Lord has your soul to save,
Nothing left in my heart to break,
And now you are gone,
I am so torn,

All I saw was the love in you,
Heart so strong and I always knew,
You were mine and I was yours,
You are no more,
I can’t ignore,

This may seem obscene,
But I keep living,
Knowing I will see you soon,

And I feel misplaced,
Cause life’s a race,
You set the pace for now,

I know you are in better place,
See you at the pearly gates,
My heart beats to see my fate,
I live for you,
I will make it through,

Maybe it was just your time,
I know I will be just fine,
Cause of love must be divine,
I will see again,
I will see my best friend.

This may seem obscene,
But I keep living,
Knowing I will you see you soon,

And I feel misplaced,
Cause life’s a race,
You set the pace for now,

For now.

AMAZING.

I'm lame. I'm way too out of it lately. My family feels distanced. Weird. It was the strangest thing, not having my dad here all week and then my mom and brother being gone this weekend with him because he finally got an apartment and they were helping him set up. My family's always been together. It's different. And I miss my dad. But it could be worse. Family's go through way worse. So I shouldn't be complaining.

I wish you would listen to me. I always listen to you. But when I have a problem, you just start talking about yourself. Thanks. Makes me feel important.

Goodnight. I've got school in the morning. xP

Stress be gone!

Well, my dad is officially gone. For the week anyway. He started his new job today and it's heartbreaking watching my mom struggle with living away from him. My whole family skyped with him last night. It's funny how he's been gone a day and I already miss him. It'll be weird without him here. And not just because I now have to do my own laundry. Because there will be something missing.

Senior Project Proposal= DONE. I turned it in and now I just gotta hear back. Getting it approved is just another step. I'm not gonna lie. I'm really excited for November. To write my novel in 30 days. The school newspaper might be doing a story on me about it. I think it's pretty cool. It's doing what I love and I get to present it when I'm done. The senior project isn't this huge stressful thing anymore. It actually sounds nice. Now I just need a mentor. Hmm, what English teacher should I choose?

Oh and by the way, five hour long monopoly games with Caitlin and Laura are amazing. :D We've got to do it again.

No homework today. Win? I think yes.

Things are changing. That's for sure, but I'm just letting those changes occur and making the best of them. After all, some of them are good.

Exhuastion

I. AM. EXHAUSTED.

Three days of school down. Wow, it's crazy. And I know I need to catch up on sleep. I'm stressed, but yet I feel good? So incredibly weird.

I went to the first football game of the season tonight. Because I was invited by some good friends. I must say, although I don't enjoy school functions much, the people were great. I spent most of my time with Caitlin, Laura and Cody. All of which make me laugh like nobody else. So it was a good time.

It's weird to see the uhaul in my driveway. A couch missing from my house. My dad's belongings all piled into it. My family is going to Willmar to move him in this weekend and I've got to stay back because I have to work, but Laura's staying with me and I'm looking forward to that. Just...it's weird. I've known my dad was going for a month now and yet now it's just finally hitting me, that he's really going.

My mom is so stressed and worried and upset about it all. I guess it's hard to watch and hard to deal with because she treats me weird when she's upset. I guess I should understand, but...I don't know.

My mind's spinning with all of this stuff lately.

Oh and my plans for National Novel Writing Month are coming along great! My book should be amazing! The plot is really coming together! There's a hint of greek mythology in it! (: I'm more excited than ever! Especially since it doubles as my senior project.

More later.

Say a prayer, the summer nights are dead;

So, in twelve hours I will be on my way to school with Courtney. The last first day of high school for the rest of my life. I've got my messenger bag packed, my schedule, my senior project proposal almost done, a huge headache and a horrible stomach ache. But I guess I'm ready.

My car should be fixed tomorrow. I'm happy about that. But the money it will cost? Not so much.

All I can say is, get ready to fall back into routine. For one more year.

Class of 2011.

Hopefully this year will be a good one.

And maybe, just maybe, I won't die of stress.

One thing is for sure,
August is over.

Relax, relax. Exhale & breathe,

Guess what? I have 909 songs on my iPod! Yes, I'm happy about it.

I have so much to do tomorrow. Laundry, cleaning my bathroom and my room, going shopping. And I feel dead. Not so good with school starting on Wednesday.

I honestly have no idea why I'm blogging because there's really not much to talk about.

My sister's 21st birthday party was last night. At Black Bear casino. I can't drink or gamble, but she still wanted me there, so I went. And normally, that is not my atmosphere....at all. So I guess I was...very awkward, but it felt sort of good? I don't know. I had my first full drink. A bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade. And I watched them laugh and play drinking games. My sister was constantly making sure I was fine and I was, even if I was a bit awkward.

Oh and by the way, it really is nice to be complimented once in a while. (:

Just breathe for me,

This might not look like too big of a difference, but it really is. My hair was so short! I'm trying to decide if I like it longer. I mean, I do. I feel like maybe long is more me. Because the short was like I was trying to be edgy and risky...and I'm really not. That's random, I know. I'm rambling about my hair...which I tend to do a lot. I'm lame and I realize this.

Today Burger King got a new employee. I have a new coworker. He's 20 and I've heard of him. My sister knew him. Graduated with him. He was in the troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan for two years. Right out of high school. He's....well, he's a hero. And he's just a normal guy now working at Burger King. It was his first day today. And I remember a conversation:

"How old are you?"
"I'm seventeen. I'm gonna be a senior."
"It's weird to think that I graduated two years ago and I'm just getting a job and going to college now. It's weird having a job like this. Working fast food after you've been in a pit with a bunch of other guys in a uniform and you're not sure if you could be alive in the next few minutes."
"I could never do it. Do what you've done."
"It's....well, it's action that's for sure."
"Burger King is enough action for me, as far as I'm concerned."

It just....it really made me think for some reason... He dedicated two years of his life to fighting for our country. And he's still alive. And now he's starting his life.

School starts next Wednesday and I have one hell of a messed up sleeping pattern. This should be interesting...

Yes, I realize my blog posts are bipolar and change topic super quickly.

Your Love is My Drug.

Hey Ke$ha, I'm pretty sure that love sick crackhead you're referring to is me.

I feel like I've been on some high for the past....five hours? I'm so unbelievably happy that I catch myself just sitting here with tears in my eyes. Either that or I'm blasting music and singing along.

I really should listen to Emily more often. She said as soon as school started for him, he'd be back. And here he is. And it's that simple.

All I have to say is, I'm not on crack. I'm just happy. (:

I love you, dork. <3

Nerdy Quote of the day:
"Bagging food at Burger King is like playing tetris!"
-Cheng Xiong

Pretty sure that's all. I'm too scatterbrained to think.

Bittersweet;

My mother came into my room and shut the door behind her. My first thought: Shit, she's angry at me. But it was the opposite. She pulled me into a hug. She thanked me for caring about her. And told me she's proud to have me as a daughter and I'm a great person. It made me feel good. Made me tear up a bit.

Things are going to be okay. I've got to keep believing that.

Life just seems bittersweet right now. Like I'm extremely happy with where I am, yet extremely stressed and a little sad.

All I know is, I'm happy with who I am. Who I have become. I've changed for the better. I'm mature. And I've really invented myself into a finishing product that doesn't disappoint. At least, doesn't disappoint myself. And that's what matters the most.

Hitchhiking?

"Anyone has the ability to kick fate in the ass. Problem is, it involves kicking yourself in the ass too." -Marley from Hitch Hikers (Emily Bujnowski)

I am incredibly excited to finish our Hitchhiker game and begin the process of turning it into a novel with Emily. This story is amazing. It will make people cry. Is it too much to say that I think it would be amazing to see all of our names on a book on a shelf someday? We sure would have a story to tell. So Em and I are going to do it. It's going to take time and hard work, but I'm up for it.

I'm braindead. What else is new?

Narcoleptic Sheep?

I realize I haven't blogged in a while. Fail. Somewhat. My excuse? I've got a lot on my mind. And this picture, of that billboard, Emily sent it to me today. And it means more to us than anybody will ever know. <3

I don't understand why I slept until three p.m today. I never have done that. And I was so off for the rest of my day and here I am at one a.m and I'm tired again. Sigh. It seems like the days I sleep super late are when I dream of you. Like I don't want to wake up because I'm savoring it. I miss you. I sometimes wonder how I do it, but I know I can. Five months. That's how long it's been. And I'm going to keep hanging in there for you. I'm somewhat relieved because I know you're back. That you're not gone. And you didn't disappear. But I want to talk to you. More than anything.

Tonight was fun. Spending time at Laura's playing rockband. I forgot how easy it is with them. To laugh. To just amuse ourselves. And now I have a tshirt that says Narcoleptic Sheep on it. That's our band on rockband. And it was amazing. The guy at Walmart actually believed we had a real band with that name.

School isn't so far away and I'm hoping that 2011 will prove to be a great year for me. I can only hope.

Random ramblings

School is creeping up on me fast and I feel like there's so much that I have to do. I don't feel old enough to be a senior. I finally found the motivation to clean my room today. I don't know what it was, but I got it done. Next on the list, school clothes shopping. Time moves so fast.

I wrote my first page of something last night. I fell asleep with my notebook and pen on my stomach and when I woke up and read it, I actually liked it. That's something new. I should be happy. Should be proud of myself. That I've gotten that much down on paper and that I have ideas again, but I've been blocked for so long. I want my passion back. I want inspiration. More than ever.

Twenty five days. It's the longest yet. I miss you so much it hurts. But you told me to hang in there. And believe me, I'm trying. With all I've got.

And you, you've still got a long way to go.

Zombiesss! OH NOESSS!

"I wanna scream without the attention, I wanna cry without the sound. And overall, I just wanna kick some ass." -Carrie Jones

I have a brand new fresh notebook. 120 pages. Green. College ruled. But I fail at writing. Normally it helps. Normally it keeps me sane. I usually fill the pages with no problem. But the words won't come. The first page I wrote Josh's full name. The second page says "lalalalala, zombies! ohnoesss! O:" I'm not making much progress. Maybe that's why I'm so insane. No way to get anything out.

September 9= Vampire Diaries. <3

I listen to Demi Lovato way too much lately. I should type up my senior project proposal. It's sort of sitting there written with dried orange soda spilled on it.

Why is Emily singing in Hawaiian so soothing? My room is a mess. I want to clean it. But I have no motivation. I don't wanna go to work.

I keep dreaming about zombies...

"CJ and I were talking and if there's a zombie apocalypse, we're coming to Burger King. Why? Because we've got food and shelter and there's booze, ammo and cigarettes at two places across the street. We just have to figure out how to get there." -Lee

"I'm thinking a zipline from our roof. I'd just sit on that roof all day shooting zombies." -CJ

"What if you run out of ammo?" -Lee

"We either go across the street or we use the ninja sword we have here." -CJ

"We have a ninja sword?" -Me

"You've never seen it? I'd love to just run around slashing those zombies! Tanner, you're going to provide the weed." -CJ

"I'm not providing anything! We'll ask Mike. He has weed." -Tanner

"What if he's a zombie?" -Me

"Then we kill him and take his weed." -Tanner

As Carrie would say, RUP.

Changing

Life keeps changing and altering and twisting into something I don't recognize. Something I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm on spin cycle and I'm just tumbling around with everything else around me. I've got grad photos in less than an hour and I finally told myself I needed to blog. I've felt disconnected lately. From everything. Sometimes there's so much on my mind, I don't even know what to do. Let alone what thought to listen to first. My dad leaves in a month. He's going to start his new job in Wilmer, Minnesota. Of course he'll visit on weekends, but it's going to change our lives. Not having him here every night. But we're a strong family. We can handle it, right? There's so much to think about. When and if all of us will eventually move there. But I guess we're going to take things one at a time. Work out things as we go. All I know is...it's hard seeing my mother cry. Seeing my brother look lost at the thought of his dad not being here every night. We're going to get webcams and use skype to talk to him most nights. It's how my parents will say goodnight to each other. Seeing them trying to be strong and their love for each other, gives me hope. All I know is that in a month I'm a senior and everything's going to start changing. I don't know what direction my life is going in. I guess that's another thing I have to figure out along the way.

"I can't set my hopes too high because every hello ends with a goodbye." -Demi Lovato

Worries;;

So, I dyed my hair today. Chocolate velvet again. I like it when it's dark. My brain hurts lately. Like I'm trying so hard to just comprehend everything and it's not working. I'm...lifeless. Like, I can't find motivation for anything anymore. And I'm always tired. Emily's in the hospital. She had a seizure. We're all worried. It's like...we're all being picked off one by one. Bad things won't stop happening to our crew. I just got off the phone with Ayana. She told me she loved us and well to basically, stay alive. Bad things just keep happening and it seems it all goes back to Jazzie's car accident in February. It's worrying me. I love our little group and like Ay said, we all have to stick together. I hope to hear more news on Emily.

Ever have a freaky dream? One that no matter how many times you wake up and keep going back to sleep, it continues? I have. And last night was the craziest experience. In the dream, I kept wishing for things and they'd happen. So I wished for Josh to be there. I was in a really crowded restaurant. And he appeared standing by some table across the room. We immediately knew it was each other. He walked over and hugged me. He told me not to worry. That he was fine. That he'd never really leave just like he'd said previously. That he'd always find a way. And he said, "Hang in there sweetheart," like he always does. And it felt so real. That's what weirds me out. It's like he was really there. I hope he's okay. I hope I get to talk to him soon. He can't be gone. He just can't.

I love my crew. <3
JulianoEmilyCarrieAyanaJakeJazzie (:

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell;;

I hate being the bearer of bad news...

Good news? I got invited to go to the movies on Friday with Laura and Aubrey. (: I'm looking forward to that. And dying my hair again.

Grad photos should be...well, interesting. I'm not big on dressing up and I'm nervous they won't turn out well. But I'm probably just worrying too much again. I have unnecessary worries about the stupidest things.

I'm convinced my mind is Chaos City. There's so much traffic and one way streets leading to dead ends. You can't turn around. Traffic jam in my brain.

Okay, so maybe I'm just a bit tired...but still. I haven't blogged in two days and I come back crazy. Way to go, huh?

I.am.a.spazz.

spazz.spazz.spazz.

I should get some sleep.
A less spazzish and pointless blog tomorrow?
I think yes.

Do I need a reason to blog?

What I did today....absolutely nothing.

I'm not really sure there's even a reason to blog, but I told myself I'd blog everyday, so that's what I'm doing.

I fell asleep reading this really weird book last night. I finished it. Before I Fall, it's called. It's about this girl and it's the last day of her life. She gets in a car accident and dies, but then she wakes up and lives the day over again. February 12. She continues to live it over and over and the accident keeps happening, but things always go a different way. It's weird really. But it was so good. She had to do what was right, fix so many things before she was finally able to die and stop living the same day over and over again. And in the end, she did die. It was....incredible really. And how I'm explaining it doesn't do it justice.

Three of the four books read that I got from the library. One left.


"And she said, I'm just having a moment. A moment of realization, a moment of doubt, a moment of hope. And in that moment, I came to the conclusion that I've never felt more alone."

That's depressing. I found it in my journal. June 22nd. The last time I wrote. Hmm, 22. Thanks Emily.

I'm hanging on today;

In about a month, I'm going to be a senior. I pretty much just made this realization today. With grad photos coming up, thoughts about my senior project and colleges, I'm going a little crazy.

I feel more alone than ever today and I'm not sure why. I mean, it's been the same way for weeks, but for some reason, today I just need someone. Where's a good friend when you need them? A hug would be nice. Really. It would be.

On the bright side, I finally figured out what I'm doing for my senior project today and I found a college with an english program where I can do what I love. Creative writing. St. Cloud State. It's nice to know I have options.

Another thing? I'm tired of this town.
What else is new?

Let it go.

I get it that you don't consider me a best friend. That she's your best friend. And she's amazing. You have fun together. You love her. Believe me, posting it all over your facebook makes sure I never forget it. Although that's the point, isn't it? Like how it makes me feel? Like nothing? Good for you. Really. I'm glad you get satisfaction out of that. I'm glad you blamed me for pushing you away. I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm less dramatic. And I don't really give a shit how much fun you're having without me, keep posting it on your facebook. Because guess what? I'm doing just fine.

RANTRANTRANTRANTRANT.

I got a dollar from the nicest elderly man at work today. (:
Just keepin' it positive.

"Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you, but it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you?"
-Three Days Grace.

Truth.

Missing You.

Today I decided I like my shampoo. Is that all I have to say? Well, mostly.

22 days. And he showed up today to let me know he was okay. That eased my worries. Left me...more sure of things somehow. Yet it's still not enough. But it has to be, for now. Because it's all I've gotten really since mid-June. And I'm going to hold onto it, because I know it's not his fault. The circumstances are unbearable sometimes, but I'm going to hang in there for him. Because I know I couldn't stop feeling this way if I tried. I just want to talk daily, to know what's going on with him again, to just...not have to wonder all the time. I want to have something new to say about him. A conversation we've had. Rereading old messages makes me happy and sad at the same time to the point I almost don't know what to do with myself.

What am I doing? It's not Tuesday. Fail.
Didn't understand? I didn't expect you to.

The people I thought cared, don't. It seems like it's all about them. They don't care enough to ask how I am. The last time I saw her I was in tears and she was getting out of my car. Who asked me if I was okay? Her boyfriend.
Didn't understand again? Didn't expect you to.

"Why give up, why give in? It's not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end,"
-Breaking Benjamin

Three Day Retreat: Day Three!

So, Alex ended up sleeping downstairs with Laura and I. We talked about having dreams and sleepwalking until we fell asleep and then Alex randomly grabbed my leg at some random hour of the morning. Then we woke up after noon and everyone else was just getting up. Then it was time for some major cleaning, before we all got in the shower and got ready. After that, it was off to Duluth to go to Park Point and have some fun on the beach with everybody. It was a good time. We had an amazing sword fight on the sand and in the water and then just relaxed. The cutest little blonde boys asked if they could use the swords. It was pure entertainment, watching them run around and argue with each other, trying to pop the bubbles Vikram was blowing with the swords. It made us all laugh and smile. One was convinced he was a ninja, the other a warrior. The night finished off with Aubrey, Laura, Sydney and I having a wonderful dinner at Applebees. It feels weird to be home and not at Aubrey's. This three day getaway was overall good for me. To be surrounded around people who...didn't bring me down like others have been lately. It was a lot of fun. And I'm glad I went. No matter how nervous I was beforehand. I can't wait until the Biebonic Plague spoon video goes up on youtube. And I love how I can't stop saying "YEEEEEAH" like Tarissa.

More later.

"I'm just a body!" -Laura Swanoski

You wouldn't understand.

Time for some much needed sleep.

Three Day Retreat: Day Two

Why is it always the quiet people that get shunned once they finally speak up? And this time I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the really sweet, Laura Swanoski. But I understand how she feels...

So, today Laura and I woke up at 11:47. Our plan was to be out of the house and in canal by noon! Everyone else was already up! And then it started to thunderstorm! We played two hours of apples to apples, ate Toy Story and Spongebob mac and cheese and laughed about nothing in particular. Vikram ran through the house and up the stairs with only a towel on. We were waiting for Jess and Caitlin to show up and Syd and Aubrey decided to go to Walmart because we wanted to have dessert wantons. And then Vikram was all like "ZUMBA!" and he left. We think he just came for the milk. So, while they were gone, Jess showed up. Laura, Alex, Jess, Tarissa, and I went on the trampoline. (Note: Never try to shorten the word trampoline, because then it is tramp. I had said, 'I haven't been on a tramp in a long time!" in which Jess replied with, "I was last month!" Then we went down to the lake and Caitlin came down with us after discovering the house was empty. Vikram also returned in time for the viewing of many plastic silverware videos which apparently I can only call spoon videos. Then Tarissa, Laura and I just had to watch Pretty Little Liars and when one of the characters said 'legit' Tarissa was so excited. Her facial expression was amazing. And don't forget the constant Mean Girls quote. "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE!" And then...Well, we got on the subject of Justin Bieber after all the spoon videos and we decided to make one of us killing Justin Bieber. So we all 'spoonified' ourselves and filmed a video of us killing Justin Bieber by cutting off all of his hair. Some of the main questions of the video were, "Is Caitlin mexican?!" and "Why is Dane even in the movie?" (Note: He was killed off. Actually, snapped in half after we found out he was a belieber. GASP.) Laura wanted to go to Africa a lot and called it a country, when in fact, it is a continent. Justin Bieber had to make a public service announcement about it in which Aubrey used Alex's voice changer on his iphone to make her sound like a little girl (Or a chipmunk....or Justin Bieber.) My throat hurts from laughing.

What have I learned today? Caitlin is NOT mexican. She's persian.

More tomorrow. Laura is reading over my shoulder. (: (NOTE: She thinks I want to say something bad about her.)

Laura Swanoski is....

Bye.

Three Day Retreat: Day One.

Day one of the three day retreat has come to a close. I'm really glad to have been invited. I know I was definitely a nervous wreck before and I am still definitely a bit nervous, but I must say that Laura overall has kept me the most calm. Because she's more shy as well. We spent the day running random errands and stocking up on food. Then we went to Aubrey’s house and had a celebrity burning party. Most of the ones we burned were of Justin Bieber. XD Sorry Ayana. :) Then we somehow managed to fit the nine of us in the hot tub. We also ordered Chinese food and this girl I just met named Tarissa sure says the word 'legit' a lot. "It was legit." about everything. And then there's Vikram who didn't bring pants to sleep in, so he was just walking around in his boxers until Aubrey lent him a pair of Victoria's Secret pants, Alex who has really weird stories to tell and has an addiction to urban dictionary, Jess who has been deemed a lurker, Laura my more quiet companion, Catlin who I don’t know very well and Sydney who is just way too entertaining and who gave Aubrey a really elaborate birthday present. Tomorrow is the second day and we’ll see how that goes, but for now I’m getting some sleep. Oh and blogging from your phone fails.

"I hate aquatic plant life!" -Vikram Gill

Pointless.

My stomach is churning with anxiety. I should be done packing by now for tomorrow. I'm going to have fun. I know I will. I always usually do. It's all the worry before that bugs the shit out of me. I get physically sick before social events. In the words of my coworker Dan, "You're nervous to have fun?!" I know, it doesn't make sense. It's been this way since I was little though. I hate it. I feel abnormal because of it. I mean, I couldn't spend the night at someone's house until I was fifteen. And it always embarrassed me. I'd make up excuses not to go and many could see through my lies. Easily.

I should get some sleep. And stop obsessing over the fact that I'm going to forget something.

Goodnight. My next few blogs are going to be from my cell phone since I won't be home through Wednesday.

Lady Gaga, Burger King, Hungarians and Transgenders?!

So my first day working the 11 to 7 shift was interesting. Many interesting things happened today....

1.)
CJ: So...how's your Puerto Rican?
Me: Well, I haven't really talked to him recently.
CJ: Well, why don't you write him a song!?! Juliano, Juliano! Juli-juli-ano, Juli-juli-ano!!
Tanner: Uhm, CJ, you stole that from Lady Gaga.
CJ: THAT'S ALEJANDRO! This is completely different!
Me: ...
Tanner: Juliano? Is that the masculine form of Julie?

2.)
Shawn (On drive-thru about the guy that's ordering): I don't think he's American...
Me: He's hungarian?!
Shawn: What?! (Starts laughing into headset) CRAP!!!
Heidi: Are you sure he wasn't just hungry?

3.)
This guy from my grade, Matt Davey, came into Burger King and ate. Then I saw him walk towards the bathrooms. I had to go to the bathroom, so I went to the bathroom. And when I was washing my hands, he came out of the stall next to me. Why was he in the GIRL'S bathroom?!
Heidi (After me explaining this): Well does he have a daughter?
Me: No...
Heidi: Is he a transgender?!
Me: I don't think so...

4.)
The stink bomb that someone threw in the entrance.

5.)
The fact that I SURVIVED.

I think I like my new shampoo...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

Today...

I played solitaire until four thirty in the morning. And then I spent my day with two caffeinated thirteen year old boys who think it's fun to sit in the back seat of my car while I'm driving and hang the windshield brush out the window and yell at random old men and confuse them. I shouldn't have let them purchase large iced mochas.

Payday today. I got 185 dollars and 2 cents! Then I spent a half hour in the shampoo and conditioner aisle at Walmart, debating on which shampoo and conditioner I wanted. It was a very tough choice I must say, but I ignored Herbal Essences products. Why? Because they fail at making my hair nice in anyway. My decision? Pantene! For thick hair and to prevent damage and breakage. I hate having thick hair. Of course then....I get home.

Mom: What kind of shampoo did you get?
Me: Pantene for thick hair.
Mom: Oh...I used that. And it made my hair greasy.

FAIL.

Join me on my journey for the right shampoo. It's going to be a long one....

Why do I love the Hunger Games series so much? And why is the name Peeta so funny?

I need a life. I need a life. I need a life.

Burger King randomness.

Me: CJ, do you find Puerto Ricans attractive?
CJ: HELL YES! ...Why do you ask?
Me: No reason.
CJ: Are you into a Puerto Rican?! OOOH I want the dirt!
Me: There really isn't any dirt.
CJ: Did you ask because you're concerned if it's right to like a Puerto Rican or not since Puerto Rico is trying to become the 51st state?!
Me: Yes, CJ. That is why I asked.

James: This kid I know just got his fourteenth under age charge last night!
Ryan: Can't they like....give him the death penalty for that?

Some old guy gave me ninety six cents today! (:

Random Thoughts;

I really need new shampoo. That is one 'unsatisfied-with-my-hair' face. And look at my hair! It's all tangled and crazy! Good thing the shampoo's almost gone. My plans for Friday after getting my paycheck? NEW SHAMPOO! Herbal Essences is stupid. The bottle says, 'I'm so good I'll put clean thoughts in your head.' The only thing great about the brand is reading the bottles.


My trip to the library resulted in these books. Now hopefully I will actually read them! I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything lately.

'Cause lately I'e been tired and uninspired;;

Oh so tired....

I've figured out that people can surprise you. And that surprise, it isn't always good.

"Ravenously. I love that word. It makes me want to bite something!" -Carrie Jones

I miss writing. I want to write again. I have this amazing college ruled, five subject notebook and it's blank. My goal? To fill the pages. With something. Anything.

Fourteen days....

"Well, the 'king' can kiss my diabetic ass! He's keeping you away from me!"
-Juliano Lorenzo Santiago

You told me to hang in there, and here I am. Hanging. Holding.

Miss you. <3

[in]sanity.

"If there's a book you really want to read and it hasn't been written yet, you must write it."


OH MY GOD! She's thinking straight! She knows right from wrong! She cares about herself and others. KILL HER NOW!

Damn, I better start running.


Maybe I will write this story.
A story of a town called Superior, Wisconsin....

What have I learned today?

1.) Demi Lovato likes to take over my itunes when it's on shuffle and when I'm upset.
2.) Emily Bujnowski is my hero.
3.) Apparently being sane is insane.
4.) My sleeping pattern is majorly off.
5.) Superior, Wisconsin is insane.

Welcome to Superior, Wisconsin. Where nobody gives a fuck. We all just pretend to be friends. Nobody cares about their own safety and if you worry you're insane! Don't tell people you care about them because it's a turn off! Oh and creepy people who try to give you drugs, they can't and won't hurt you! Don't worry about what might happen to you. Drugs can't mess with you brain, knives can't kill and people don't BLEED! If you don't care about yourself and your willing to throw your life away, this is the perfect place to live!

"Life is more fun, when words aren't a gun." -Brittani Taylor.

I love you Ayana!

We were making fun of Ayana's hair that night. And imitating it. But nothing was better than hers. Unfortunately she wore a hat to tame it. I still love you, Ay. Even though you love Justin Bieber and HATE me!!!!

Bieber Fever?!

I must say I feel bad for Shane Dawson.

Unlocked;

On my vacation to Eagle River, my parents dragged me to an antique show. I thought I'd be bored, but I was actually intrigued. This guy had a shoebox full of old antique keys to dressers and chests. I looked through the box for over twenty minutes before coming to the conclusion that this was the one I wanted.

"You're the first person to want to buy one of these."

"I'm going to put it on a necklace and wear it around my neck."

"Each key comes with a story, the mystery of it is, you'll never know the story. What it opened or who it belonged to. Keep it close to your heart."

Float Away....

A day spent in canal park with Cecilia is a day not wasted. It was about time I got some sun. Duluth is like a different world compared to my town of Superior. It was a nice change. And it's truly is beautiful there, even if I do need Cicy to guide me around because I'm a fail at driving. With her, I'll never get lost.

Bursts of Color in the nightsky;

Tonight I saw a ship in the sky flying off to Neverland! Oh and fireworks :)