You might as well just slap a label on my forehead that says "Warning: Extremely spazzy and embarrassment to the public"

I think today was just an off day. Ever since I fell asleep last night all weirdly and woke up clutching my iPod things just haven't been the same. Things I dropped at work today: Straws, icee lids, fries, tray of pies, money, my soda and possibly my brain. This leads to my story of how I got mellow yellow in my cup and went to go put it on the shelf in the back and Tanner was back there drinking from his and my hand was shaking as I went to put it on the shelf and I dropped it and it splattered all over Tanner's shirt. I was MORTIFIED. "Fuck! Syd...." And then he kept teasing me about it, but then kept telling me it was okay because I felt so bad. Then the fact that that dude kept telling me I gave him the wrong amount of change. THE CALCULATOR DOES NOT LIE. xP Oh and apparently I'm the nerdiest person ever. Just because I used the word 'cliffhanger' in conversation. Tanner: "I think I learned that word in English class. Why the hell are you using it? You're way too nerdy, Syd." FAIL. I just kept messing everything up. I had to stand in the back and clean up all of this soda and then everyone was just like teasing me but then trying to make me feel better. Damn, I was just happy to get out of there. -___- And I do not smoke weed! ...Only apparently when I sleep because I send Emily sleep texts saying "Need weed." Now I have offers at work to get me some. Apparently I need some? It will help me relax and I'll be able to sit down and focus and write? I don't know. Stoner philosophy maybe. This is kind of just one big long rant. MUST. DO. SCHOLARSHIP. ESSAYS. Kay, bye.

Because I'm on a Mortal Instruments Binge right now...

"Meanwhile," Simon added, "I wanted to tell you that lately I've been cross-dressing. Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. I thought you should know." -Simon; City of Bones

"Hodge sent me to wake you up. Actually, he offered to wake you up himself, but since it's five a.m., I figured you'd be less cranky if you had something nice to look at." -Jace; City of Bones

"Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you'd get dressed up in a nurse's outfit and give me a sponge bath?"
"Actually, I think you misheard," Clary said. "It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath."
Jace looked involuntarily over at Simon, who smiled at him widely. "As soon as I'm back on my feet, handsome."
"I knew we should have left you a rat."
-Jace, Clary and Simon; City of Bones

"You know, most psychologists agree that hostility is really just sublimated sexual attraction."
"Ah, that might explain why I so often run into people who seem to dislike me."
-Clary and Jace; City of Bones

"The nod means, 'I am a badass, and I recognize that you, too, are a badass.'"
-Simon; City of Bones

"Unfortunately, Lady of the Haven, my one true love remains myself."
"At least you don't have to worry about rejection, Jace Wayland."
"Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting."
Jace and Madame Dorothea; City of Bones

"It was like a bad movie, except he didn't actually twirl his mustache."
-Jace; City of Ashes

Magnus snapped his fingers again, menacingly. "Get up."
"Or you'll be the next one to go up in smoke," said Simon with relish.
"There's no need to clarify my finger snap. The implication was clear in the snap itself."
-Magnus and Simon; City of Ashes

"Traded him for Alec," Clary said.
"Not permanently"
"No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back. In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy."
"Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not."
Clary, Isabelle, Jace and Simon; City of Ashes

"Well, I'm not kissing the mundane. I'd rather stay down here and rot."
"Forever? Forever's an awfully long time."
"I knew it. You want to kiss me, don't you?"
-Jace and Simon; City of Ashes

"I guess it's true what they say. There are no straight men in the trenches."
"That's atheists, jackass. There are no atheists in the trenches."
-Jace and Simon; City of Ashes

"Because I foresee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin pina colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin."
-Simon; City of Ashes

"No, I'm just a very naughty boy. I do all sorts of bad things. I kick kittens. I make rude gestures at nuns."
-Jace; City of Ashes

"Exactly. Despite my staggering good looks, you actually don't like me that way. And if you're blowing off Magnus, it's not because of me. It's because you're too scared to tell anyone who you really love. Love makes us liars. The Seelie Queen told me that. So don't judge me for lying about how i feel. You do it too."
-Jace; City of Glass

"Romanian? That's impressive, not many people speak it."
"Do you?"
"Not really. My Romanian is pretty much limited to useful phrases like, 'Are these snakes poisonous?' and 'But your much too young to be a police officer.'"
-Jace and Sebastian; City of Glass

Random dude on omegle:

Stranger: Sadly i have to run, know this. your gorgeous, and from what I can tell, very smart. Never settle for anyone, cus you deserve someone great. Have a wonderful life, much love.


You just made my day.


Oh and life is bipolar. My aunt got a restraining order from my uncle who she claims she is afraid for her life of and he's struggling to get his son out of the house and now he doesn't have somewhere to live, but my dad got a job offer and will be back in Superior living with us by April 18.

Life...

Decisions;

I just made mine.

Chaos City;

I didn't want that email.
You shouldn't have sent me that email.
Why did you send me that email?
My stomach is in knots.
Do I reply?
Do I delete?
Do I wonder forever?
Do I ask for answers?
Will I get answers?
Will I never get a reply?
Will I get an answer?
Will the answer kill me inside?
Why is my aunt such a crazy bitch?
Why are things like a lifetime movie?
My parents called me to tell me they were on a stake out.
I hope my cousin is okay.
I hope my other cousin is okay.
I hope Emily's okay.
I hope Carrie's okay.
Ayana, I hope you're fucking okay.
I want my aunt to get arrested.
I want my uncle to feel safe again.
I want my dad back.
I want my mom to not ignore me when she's upset.
I want my uncle to be away from that bitch and my cousin too.
Email. Email. Email.
Do I reply to email?
Prom.
Shoes.
Hair.
Promprompromprom.
Must.Do.Scholarship.Stuff.
I want to graduate.
Now.
June, where are you?
I don't want to be sick.
I'm starting not to be able to breathe out of my nose.
Headache.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.



Why hello there, welcome to my mind.

Blargh.

Sometimes I shake my head and ask myself "What's wrong with the world?" and then I realize it's almost always the people in it.

I think I've used the f word more times today than I have in my entire 17 years and 11 months of living. That's right. In one month I turn 18. But I'm serious.

Work was so long and all I can seem to think over and over again is "James is a douche bag." Because that's what he is. I was so frustrated the entire time and I kind of want to kick him. Plus, my uncle went to jail for something he didn't even do. I swear my aunt is a crazy bitch. She arrested him for domestic abuse and it took 800 dollars for my mom to bail him out. Not even cool. Now he has to sleep on our couch because he's not allowed home for 72 hours. And my poor 14 year old cousin is there on his own with her. I just wonder how she can be so cruel, sick and insane. Just because he finally gained the courage to divorce her.

On the bright side, my friends were nothing but welcoming and understanding when I showed up late to bowling. They're so supportive. I bowled a 108. YAY.

Oh and my feet kill from trying on my heels for five minutes? They're only 2 and a half inches. Fail.

Ishouldgotobed. Ishouldgotobed. Ishouldgotobed.

xP

Sleeping...

Hello effed up sleeping pattern!
I couldn't sleep until five a.m. last night and now it's 2 a.m and I'm still awake.
I'm going to lay down and try to sleep before I do even more damage.

Ah, habbo shenanigans, why are you so fun?


Pointless blog.
Pounding headache.
Goodnight.

Reasons Tuesday already wins worst day of Spring Break;

1. I slept in until two (woke up from a nightmare) and wasted half of my day.
2. I had to early close at work.
3. Early closing at work took 2 and a half hours, which isn't a lot of money.
4. I've had an excruciating headache all day.
5. I can't stop thinking about certain things.
6. I have a canker sore.
7. The movie day that was part of my idea is going on without me because my mom won't let me drive in the weather.
8. Upon trying to convince my mom to let me go, she freaked out and yelled at me.
9. We're supposed to be getting a blizzard tonight and tomorrow.
10. It's really fucking windy.
11. My house is getting attacked by styrofoam insulation just like last time we had a storm. It might damage our house, it's really loud and smashing up against my window and all over the house.
12. I'm probably not going to sleep well for the reason above since it scares the shit out of me every five minutes.
13. I really want to be with my friends right now.
14. I feel like I'm going to cry.
15. I'm in Wisconsin, where winter never ends.

2:05 a.m...

Forget you.
Forget your nameless, faceless, genderless, self.
And the way all the lies I didn't know existed,
made me smile.

2 a.m...

I'm still asking myself where things went wrong.
And I wish I wasn't.
Because I KNOW where they did.
They went wrong with you.
You made it all go wrong.

Habbo Shenanigans?

I wonder why I was on Habbo Hotel when I should have been editing my novel or doing anything else productive. Then I persuaded Carrie, Emily and I to get on. It was good fun. We started a paper bag cult and there were over 10 members! We danced and had torches and it was kind of hilarious.

Sometimes I look at the things I do and I realize how much of a dork I am.

Got jewelry for prom today at the mall. I'm kind of excited. <3 And the Pretty Little Liars finale was crazy. It sort of hurt my brain...

I'm tired...

You wanna be a loser like me;

Persian New Years at Caitlin's house was interesting. Apparently it's a tradition for adults to go to the bank to get crisp money and hand it out to the youth. I got 11 dollars last night. xD

I find it amazing how we're all so easily entertained. How we can lay around reading books, playing stupid games and watching movies and be completely okay with it. With the other people I used to call my friends, this wasn't fun to them. I love what this says about our friendship.

Spring Break....
Here's to hoping it's great.

I'm especially pissed off today.
I think it's because I'm tired...

Hey Spring Break;

Anxiety is no friend of mine. It creeps up on me in the strangest of moments because of the most trivial things.

I was in the shower and that's when I started thinking about everything. I literally almost freaked out about driving to Caitlin's tomorrow. Because I'm not really sure how to get there and I have no one to drive with me. Then I get all anxious and freak out about how I'm going to get lost, go into a ditch or get into a car accident. It's completely irrational to think that way.

Why am I freaking out about this?

Good question...

Spring Break Plans:
-Sleepover with Jamie
-Persian New Year Party
-Movie Day/Night
-Book editing/formatting day with Syd
-Shopping with Janis for prom stuff.

Ideas From Emily...

Friends' & familys' birthdays corresponding with the number of a song on my iPod.
Emily spends her health class doing this. xD

Let's see...

Me: (4/24) I'm Not Jesus by Apocalyptica
Emily (2/22) Deathbed by Relient K
Laura (10/20) You be the Anchor that Keeps my Feet on The Ground, I'll be the Wings that Keep your Heart in the Clouds by Mayday Parade
Carrie (6/9) Bad Romance by Lady Gaga
Ayana (12/29)... Ayana, that number doesn't exist on my iPod yet... xD
Sydney (2/14) The Day That Saved Us by Automatic Loveletter
Caitlin (1/14) Boom Boom Bang by Ke$ha
Aubrey (5/29) Let Love In by The Goo Goo Dolls
Janis (7/25) Risque by Cute is What We Aim For
Alex (6/3) Baby It's Cold Outside by Glee (Darren Criss/Chris Colfer)
Jamie (11/29) ...Jamie, you don't exist either. O:
Jake (9/11) Time & Confusion by Anberlin
Ashley (8/25) Stand in the Rain by Superchick
Jacob (11/25) My brother doesn't exist either...
Mom (10/21) You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift
Dad (7/17) Rescue Me by Hawthorne Heights

I can't think a name for this blog...so this shall be the name. xD

Ugh. Hours cut at work. Because labor is bad. /: This usually happens in winter! But it's happening in spring this year! It's upsetting. I was supposed to work 5-10 tonight and Thursdays are so busy that I'm usually there the entire time. I got sent home at 8. So not normal. D;

Must. Edit. Novel.
I'm going to finish this before June.
And I'm going to be incredibly happy with the final product.
Thank you Sydney Rickstrom for motivating me.
It honestly means a lot that she LOVED my book. :D

I feel like headaches are too plentiful recently.
One good thing?
Spring break is here after tomorrow.
And I get a much needed break from school. (:

I should really edit my spanish essay now...

Unexpected;

I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I ACTUALLY SQUEALED AT THE TELEVISION.

KLAINE <3
AdorableAdorableAdorable.

Oh the fun times of being a Gleek.
I'm a dork.

In other news, 24 pages of basic editing of my novel done! Out of 96...

Oh and I'm glad my cousin doesn't talk to me anymore. -__-

Ughhhh.

Can everyone just be okay?

Please?



Ugh, cramps. Go away.
What did I do recently to deserve to feel like I'm dying?!
This isn't fair. D:

Bruises;

I managed to trip 3 times, slip and fall on the stairs and half shut my arm in Laura's car door. I am bruising. D; And it hurtssss.

Today proved I am a clumsy disaster, but I did get to dump glitter over Sydney's head, wrap her in tin foil and put on her Ke$ha make up with Janis.

Oh and I only screwed up my line about having a bad hair day a billion times, yet I remember it now from so many takes.

"Puedes llevar un sombrero cuando tienes un mal dia con el pelo."
FAIL.

Plus, I got scarves thrown at my face and ate a ton of popcorn.

Despite that this weekend really didn't feel like a weekend and all I did was work and spend seven and a half hours on a spanish video today, today was actually really fun even if it was tiring.

Sydney (Shaking glitter off of her head): IT'S LIKE GAY DANDRUFF.

Fate...

Fate must have been on my side today.

Near car accident. Near death. Near.....injury? Near totaled car.

I hate snow.

Thank god there was only one car coming and it wasn't going so fast and was able to brake. And thank god, the car coming the other direction wasn't so close and I was able to swerve out of their lane in time.

I am terrified.

If that car would have been going faster. If more cars had been on the road. If the car had been closer.

I might not be here.

Damn.

The many random things Tanner says...

Tanner: "If I was an Indian, my name would be Old Man Little Fish. Anybody who tried to fuck with my tribe would DIE."

Me: "You guys swear too much."
Tanner: "FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK."
Me: "Tanner..."
Tanner: "FUCK!"
Me: *sigh*

Me: "Have you ever noticed that guys when they see each other they go 'Sup?' or 'What's up?' or 'What's good' or 'How's it going?' but it's less of a question and more of a greeting to them. They often answer each other by repeating the question. I don't understand it...
Tanner: "Because we don't give a fuck. And if I say 'What's up?' to someone and they don't respond with 'What's up?" back and walk right past me, I'll tell them to fuck off because that's just rude."

Me: "I don't know how to be mean."
Tanner: "I think you need to spend some more time with me."
Me: "I think I've spent too much lately."
Tanner: "I'm going to teach you how to be mean. Ella and I are teaming up. We're going to completely change you. You're not going to be a writer anymore. You're going to be...."
Me: "What?"
Tanner: "....A rapper."
Me: "What? That would be one scary world."

Tanner: "....And then I was like, don't make me get my samurai sword! There was this sketchy scruffy black guy that bought a samurai sword and I swear he was going to go chop someone's head off."

Tanner: *singing*
Me: "Please don't sing Tanner."
Tanner: "I have a rubber band Syd! Don't make me use it!"
Heidi: "What is up with you harassing Syd lately?"
Tanner: *shrugs* "It's fun."

Tanner: "From now on, every time I see you I'm going to say 'Sup?' And you're going to respond with 'Sup?' And it's going to be our thing. Oh and you're now officially ChipMAN."
Me: "Whatever you say, Old Man Little Fish."

Bruiser; Neal Shusterman;

"For as long as I can remember I've stolen
Ripping all the hurts from the people I love,
And from no one else.
I don't choose it,
I don't want it,
But because they found a place in my heart
I steal their pain as soon as I'm near them,
And all because I got caught caring.
But those others,
ALL the others,
Dripping their disapproval like summer sweat,
They're on the outside,
And I will never let them in.
Never.
Let them keep their broken bones,
Shed their own blood,
I hate them.
I have to hate them, don't you see?
Because what if I didn't?
What if I suddenly started to care?
And their friends became my friends,
And every ache and pain,
Every last bit of damage,
Drained from them to me,
Until I was nothing but fractures and sprains,
Cuts and concussions,
but as long as I keep them on the right side of rsentment,
Despising them all,
I'm safe."

-Page 118-119


"‎I'll never understand how a man can live his life
With his finger on the self-destruct button,
Holding it there day after day,
Blinded by an obsession to press it
But lacking the conviction to do even that.
But today, the auto-destruct sequence is engaged,
And counting down."
-Page 199

"Pulling you from the water won't be enough, but I can defy your fate,
I have one last gift for you, Bronte, and it's one you can't refuse.
Inches from you now, I stop kicking, let my arms relax.
They drift down to my side and the sword falls free,
Because the only way to win is not to fight.
And I'm ready for victory's embrace.
She starts to revive, I start to let go,
Giving myself to the waters,
Sinking deeper, deeper,
Faceup, eyes open,
Eyes on her.
Then she stirs the shimmering interface between life and death,
and she finally climbs out of the pool far, far above.
She doesn't see me; she doesn't know,
And it can be no other way.
I feel no wounds now,
Or any stolen pain.
All that remains
Is gratitude
And pure
Perfect
Joy."

-Pages 312-313

Spring...

It smells like spring today.
And it smells nasty.
Just sayin'

I got my shoes from Jessie today and they're amazing. <3 Purple, key, lock, Ke$ha. <3

Headacheheadacheheadache.

I have an important question:

Q: What junior hears an announcement about all seniors needing to report to the gym, goes to the gym just to skip homeroom and gets in the senior picture even though she's not supposed to be and then says her excuse will be 'I thought it was a meeting for juniors and seniors'?

A: Courtney Hill.

Seriously?

Time to go to work. First time this week. Yay?

Imma go drive to work wearing my sunglasses and blasting music.
Sounds good.

XP

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THESE DAMN SLEEPING PILLS.


They made me feel hazy all day.
This isn't solving my problem, Mom.
Thanks.

Not Fair;

Someone tell me why the most amazing people out there who truly care about others, who have great ideas to share with the world, who are genuinely nice, get the short end of the stick? Why does the bad happen to them? I see this everyday in my friend Jamie. I wish I could give her strength and take away all the pain in her life. The way she's been forced to grow up so fast, the way she is ridiculed and what she has to deal with, the spontaneity of daily life, is not fair to her. Her life isn't stable. I couldn't live without stability.

Sitting in the hospital waiting room with her today after school, awaiting news on her mother who possibly broke her ribs and shoulder has taught me that even the seemingly strong break. I saw Jamie cry.

If God exists, why isn't he doing something? People are suffering. And it's just not fair.

I Dropped the Bomb...

The 'Anxiety' Bomb.

In response, I got a sleeping pill and an order to sleep. Maybe I do need it.

"I don't want to drug you up. That's the last resort. Drugs aren't always the answer."

If I'm getting rest and trying to find ways to de-stress and I still feel like this in a few weeks, I go to the doctor.

Guess we'll see.

I'm ready for bed anyway. I'm done with today.

Fail...

I think I grind my teeth when I'm stressed?

No All Time Low Concert for me for my 18th birthday.
Agh, I knew this would happen.

The Best Sunday/The Worst Sunday

Today was one of the greatest days I've had in a while:

I spent the day with some of the greatest people. I'm really beginning to realize what great people I've surrounded myself with. (:

Blasting music and singing at the top of our lungs in my car (to mostly Ke$ha and some Nsync)
Buying matching shirts that are different colors
A new key necklace <3
Hurricane simulator machine shenanigans
BEASTLY!!!! Alex Pettyfer, enough said. "WASSSSUPPPPPP?" Love that movie.
Tons of laughing
Random conversations
Meaningful conversations
Janis' perfect prom dress
Glitter everywhere

Random little girl in dressing room: SUCK IT INNNNNNN.
Sister of little girl: I can't suck in my boobs!
Janis: YOU'RE AWESOME
Little girl: But I'm only seven!
Janis: You're still awesome. I was awesome when I was seven!
Me: ....No, you weren't.

"You're a typo."
"You're a sentence fragment."
"You're a run on sentence."
"You're an improperly conjugated verb!"
Laura: "...What am I?"
"You're a question mark."
Laura: O:

Sydney: "You're an irregular square and that's not even possible!"

Jessie (While watching Beastly): "....That must be some strong roofies."

Me: "Janis and Sydney are all glittery from a dress Janis tried on at JCPenney."
Jamie: "So what's your excuse?
Me: O:

Me: "I hope Jamie can find my car to put her stuff in it."
Sydney: "I wouldn't be so worried about her finding it, but more worried about her stealing it."


There were some downsides to my day, which included pointless drama, something blown out of proportion, but I choose to not concentrate on it.

I'm just that kind of girl that needs to feel comfortable. I'm made easily uncomfortable and being around people who have made me feel uncomfortable/were rude to me/called me names doesn't make me so comfortable. When I express this to the people I'm closest to, I expect seriousness back, not the constant cracking of jokes or comments that really don't make me feel all that better but actually much worse. All I wanted was to let them know how I felt and now it's this huge issue... Sigh. I'd like to think it'd blow over. Soon. Tomorrow? Please?

Sometimes I hate that I get so uncomfortable that I get physically sick, but it's how I'm wired. I can't help it.

Why does it seem everybody likes the bad guy? He's full of himself. Thinks he's smarter than everybody. He's rude. Obnoxious. He humiliated me in front of everybody. Called me a bitch. A fatass. They shouldn't be allowed to win. I shouldn't have to look bad because I don't want to be around them.

End of rant.

Bitter

Tonight I am bitter. I don't really know what brought on this feeling, but I'm suddenly just so angry... At what? I guess I'm not really sure. It's March. That's my explanation for part of it. The other part? I'm still upset about things I shouldn't be. They're crappy people. They SUCK. So why am I so concerned with how they act and what they do? FAIL SYDNEE. Just stop.

I wish I could just....not worry about certain things that obviously shouldn't matter. Fuck them, right? They ditched me. They....whatever. I have amazing friends. Why am I fretting?

It may have been two months, but I'm still fragile. March, die.

Drive Thru Customer of the Night;

Random guy: My friend wants to know if you're white.
Me: ....Yes?
Random guy: I TOLD YOU SHE WAS WHITE!
Random guy 2: Awww, you're sure you're not mexican or native?
Me: Yes...
*shuts window*
Me: Tanner...
Tanner: What?
Me: Some guy just asked me if I was white?
Tanner: What did you tell him?
Me: Yes?
Tanner: BUT YOU'RE NOT! You're native american.

Five hours wasted at Burger King, but that means money.
And tomorrow I get to go back for five and a half.
Oh the joy.

Thursday;

Today was a disappointment:
-As I was walking the halls, a boy walked out of a class and slammed right into me. I apologized when it was his fault and he looked at me and said "Fuck you." D;
-My prom dress I ordered didn't fit.

Today was an accomplishment:
-Aced my Spanish test.
-Didn't procrastinate for once and got my essay done right after school for government. I'm totally getting 10 percent extra credit tomorrow!
-Found another pretty prom dress instead. It's purple. :D

Bring on tomorrow,

Today...

I feel like a creep.
I feel like I've been creeped on.

In general, there's just a whole lot of creepiness going around.