Goodbye 2010;

So at midnight tonight, it will turn to 2011. Not only will I have trouble writing that on my papers at school, but I'll have trouble believing it. This year always seemed so far away. I was always hearing "Class 2011!" and all of that. But...I'm graduating in June. Why does that seem so hard to believe?

My goals for 2011?
Have more amazing times with my best friends and enjoy the time we have before graduation.
Pass my senior project!
Go to a cool concert?
Edit my novel I wrote!
Enjoy my first year of college!
Get over you...

I'm looking forward to you 2011, mostly because you hold so many promises. 2010 has been the year that has really shaped me into who I am, and now I'm determined to make this year the best!

You were just fine, I was holding on;

You guys have each other. You talk often. You get to tell each other you love one another. Maybe I'm being selfish, but you're taking that for granted. While I'm sitting here waiting for someone that will never return, I've given up. And what are you guys doing? Fighting over nothing. Over a misunderstanding.

It's bullshit.

You two were going to last from the beginning. And I knew it, but wouldn't admit it. You really were right Ayana. We were hopeless. We shouldn't have even tried.

So if you guys are supposed to be standing at the end, why are you fighting like immature idiots?

Answer me that.

Too long.

It's officially three months.

Congratulations, I believe you're actually gone.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve and I'm still having trouble eating. It's starting to drive me mad. And I really really really hate the taste of pepto bismol. Just sayin'

But I'm trying to keep in mind that next week is going to be great. There's another three day retreat at Aubrey's house with all of my favorite people and this time it's Harry Potter themed. So I'm going to Aubwarts! (: I'm really excited. These people are the ones I should have been friends with all along and the only reason I am sad is because we just met this year and soon we're graduating. So guess what? I'm going to enjoy my time with them as much as I can.

And for the next two days, I'm going to enjoy time with my family. Even though holidays are typically awkward for me and sometimes maddening at my house, I'm going to enjoy it. That's my goal.

Ramen & Anime;

Still sick. I eat about once a day. It sucks.

I've spent the whole day in bed with ramen and my laptop watching Spiral. <3 I feel like a loser, but I guess that's okay. I can't believe it's almost 2011. I'm going to graduate come June.

Wow. I think that's all I can really say right now.

It'll be a year on January 23rd since Jazzie made the site and since we all really became a group; a family. But one person's missing.

Screw him.

Toast is evilllll;

I haven't eaten anything all day. I don't think it will be long before I'm tearing apart the cupboards in my kitchen for food.

Total food I've eaten in three days:
-A bowl of soup
-Two pieces of toast

"Dude, if the toast has mold on it, you're not supposed to eat it. DUH." -Caitlin Pendleton

I got my period today and had barely anything with me at school and when I got in my car to go home to do so during my release time, my car had a flat tire. Win, huh? Especially since my self family teacher had been talking just two hours earlier about how she got a flat tire right after her daughter did. Chain reaction? Maybe.

All I know is I'm starving and tired and I really really really don't wanna go to work. But I get my secret santa gift, so hopefully that's cool. I've never wanted to eat a full course meal so badly in my life.

Hopefully when I do decide to finally eat, I don't get sick. Because I either have to be miserable sick or miserable hungry. I know I'm not gonna last much longer like this.

BLAH.

HUNGRYYY.

Still sick. I ate one piece of toast today. Still sick from it over nine hours later.

My.Life.Fails.

And the next two days I work.
Wonderful, right?
That means I'll be eating nothing.

‎"What kind of warped crap do they teach you on the East Side, huh? You really think drug dealers walk around, scalking in alleys, hiding in shadows like doped up ninjas? Welcome to reality." -Sofia from Crossing Lines

WIN AYANA.

Sickness & Acceptance;

I stayed home and slept today. I was supposed to go to work. I couldn't find anybody to cover my shift for me, but when I got there, my manager took one look at me and told me to go home. My co-worker Tanner even offered to work it when he'd been there all day. There is some hope for the world lately.

I'm starving. I want to eat. But I know if I do I'll get super sick. It's not even the flu....but what is it?

I got accepted to UWS. I know that's not really so difficult to do, because it's not like it's a big college or anything. It's not like you have to get straight A's or write a freakin' four page essay to get in, but I still feel this huge sense of accomplishment. After I got that call and heard those words, everything seemed to look up for a moment.

I'm going to college next fall.

Because I can't even think of a title for this blog;

I tried so hard to make today a good day. But nothing seemed to work out. First I was almost late to school because every clothes combination I put on I felt uncomfortable. And then I thought I lost my ipod. And then I even tried to have fun and go out to lunch with a bunch of my friends, but of course I got sick after that too. My stomach hates me.

I was supposed to work five to ten tonight. That didn't happen. I was sent home before eight even arrived. Why? Because I passed out.

I've never known what that's like and it's scary as hell. My body feels so messed up. I can't eat anything without getting sick and it's enough to make me not want to eat at all. Plus, my moods aren't so well either.

"Alright, who broke your heart?" -Rejis, a coworker

Strange how that question applies. Only I didn't answer. I felt sick the entire time. In every way. And I was tired and upset and I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I feel spazzy. Like I've had too much caffiene, but that's not the case.

I'm going to go take those damn sleeping pills like my mother said, even if they do give me nightmares. Goodnight.

I'm not torn, I'm just getting it together;

I know I already posted today, but I think I've gone crazy.

I didn't go to my seventh hour class. I skipped economics. I couldn't take another person asking me why I was so quiet or if I was okay. It's not that I didn't know they had good intentions. They care for me, but...none of them know. They never will. I went out to my car, but I knew I couldn't go home because my dad would be there. So I sat there in my car, crying with the heat on and the radio on. And at that moment I didn't give a fuck about whether or not I was wasting gas.

I just cried.

This is me with no you.

Hello Again;

I haven't blogged since the day I wrote that letter. Almost two months ago. Most of it is because of National Novel Writing Month. I was slaving away at writing a book for my senior project. The other reason why I haven't gotten back to this? I'm not sure I know what to say anymore.

It's been three months. A few blog entries ago I was complaining about it being two weeks, which is nothing in comparison. I'm bitter. More bitter than the blackest cup of coffee or the negative temperatures outside right now.

Today I feel as if I'm not really there. I've barely said a word to anybody today. I just...don't know what to say. Because nobody knows what's going on in my mind right now. And they never will.

I can't even tell you how broken I am. How angry I am. How every second I want to cry. And nobody understands because they're not living it. I feel alone.

Today I'm alone and cold. And i just wanna curl up in my bed under a bunch of blankets and sleep. I can't even eat. I'm hungry but every time I eat something, I get sick. And I can't have that.

Where has hope gone? That's right. Hope was that tiny thread I was holding onto. It's snapped.