Worries;;

So, I dyed my hair today. Chocolate velvet again. I like it when it's dark. My brain hurts lately. Like I'm trying so hard to just comprehend everything and it's not working. I'm...lifeless. Like, I can't find motivation for anything anymore. And I'm always tired. Emily's in the hospital. She had a seizure. We're all worried. It's like...we're all being picked off one by one. Bad things won't stop happening to our crew. I just got off the phone with Ayana. She told me she loved us and well to basically, stay alive. Bad things just keep happening and it seems it all goes back to Jazzie's car accident in February. It's worrying me. I love our little group and like Ay said, we all have to stick together. I hope to hear more news on Emily.

Ever have a freaky dream? One that no matter how many times you wake up and keep going back to sleep, it continues? I have. And last night was the craziest experience. In the dream, I kept wishing for things and they'd happen. So I wished for Josh to be there. I was in a really crowded restaurant. And he appeared standing by some table across the room. We immediately knew it was each other. He walked over and hugged me. He told me not to worry. That he was fine. That he'd never really leave just like he'd said previously. That he'd always find a way. And he said, "Hang in there sweetheart," like he always does. And it felt so real. That's what weirds me out. It's like he was really there. I hope he's okay. I hope I get to talk to him soon. He can't be gone. He just can't.

I love my crew. <3
JulianoEmilyCarrieAyanaJakeJazzie (:

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell;;

I hate being the bearer of bad news...

Good news? I got invited to go to the movies on Friday with Laura and Aubrey. (: I'm looking forward to that. And dying my hair again.

Grad photos should be...well, interesting. I'm not big on dressing up and I'm nervous they won't turn out well. But I'm probably just worrying too much again. I have unnecessary worries about the stupidest things.

I'm convinced my mind is Chaos City. There's so much traffic and one way streets leading to dead ends. You can't turn around. Traffic jam in my brain.

Okay, so maybe I'm just a bit tired...but still. I haven't blogged in two days and I come back crazy. Way to go, huh?

I.am.a.spazz.

spazz.spazz.spazz.

I should get some sleep.
A less spazzish and pointless blog tomorrow?
I think yes.

Do I need a reason to blog?

What I did today....absolutely nothing.

I'm not really sure there's even a reason to blog, but I told myself I'd blog everyday, so that's what I'm doing.

I fell asleep reading this really weird book last night. I finished it. Before I Fall, it's called. It's about this girl and it's the last day of her life. She gets in a car accident and dies, but then she wakes up and lives the day over again. February 12. She continues to live it over and over and the accident keeps happening, but things always go a different way. It's weird really. But it was so good. She had to do what was right, fix so many things before she was finally able to die and stop living the same day over and over again. And in the end, she did die. It was....incredible really. And how I'm explaining it doesn't do it justice.

Three of the four books read that I got from the library. One left.


"And she said, I'm just having a moment. A moment of realization, a moment of doubt, a moment of hope. And in that moment, I came to the conclusion that I've never felt more alone."

That's depressing. I found it in my journal. June 22nd. The last time I wrote. Hmm, 22. Thanks Emily.

I'm hanging on today;

In about a month, I'm going to be a senior. I pretty much just made this realization today. With grad photos coming up, thoughts about my senior project and colleges, I'm going a little crazy.

I feel more alone than ever today and I'm not sure why. I mean, it's been the same way for weeks, but for some reason, today I just need someone. Where's a good friend when you need them? A hug would be nice. Really. It would be.

On the bright side, I finally figured out what I'm doing for my senior project today and I found a college with an english program where I can do what I love. Creative writing. St. Cloud State. It's nice to know I have options.

Another thing? I'm tired of this town.
What else is new?

Let it go.

I get it that you don't consider me a best friend. That she's your best friend. And she's amazing. You have fun together. You love her. Believe me, posting it all over your facebook makes sure I never forget it. Although that's the point, isn't it? Like how it makes me feel? Like nothing? Good for you. Really. I'm glad you get satisfaction out of that. I'm glad you blamed me for pushing you away. I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm less dramatic. And I don't really give a shit how much fun you're having without me, keep posting it on your facebook. Because guess what? I'm doing just fine.

RANTRANTRANTRANTRANT.

I got a dollar from the nicest elderly man at work today. (:
Just keepin' it positive.

"Why is it so hard to find someone who cares about you, but it's easy enough to find someone who looks down on you?"
-Three Days Grace.

Truth.

Missing You.

Today I decided I like my shampoo. Is that all I have to say? Well, mostly.

22 days. And he showed up today to let me know he was okay. That eased my worries. Left me...more sure of things somehow. Yet it's still not enough. But it has to be, for now. Because it's all I've gotten really since mid-June. And I'm going to hold onto it, because I know it's not his fault. The circumstances are unbearable sometimes, but I'm going to hang in there for him. Because I know I couldn't stop feeling this way if I tried. I just want to talk daily, to know what's going on with him again, to just...not have to wonder all the time. I want to have something new to say about him. A conversation we've had. Rereading old messages makes me happy and sad at the same time to the point I almost don't know what to do with myself.

What am I doing? It's not Tuesday. Fail.
Didn't understand? I didn't expect you to.

The people I thought cared, don't. It seems like it's all about them. They don't care enough to ask how I am. The last time I saw her I was in tears and she was getting out of my car. Who asked me if I was okay? Her boyfriend.
Didn't understand again? Didn't expect you to.

"Why give up, why give in? It's not enough, it never is.
So I will go on until the end,"
-Breaking Benjamin

Three Day Retreat: Day Three!

So, Alex ended up sleeping downstairs with Laura and I. We talked about having dreams and sleepwalking until we fell asleep and then Alex randomly grabbed my leg at some random hour of the morning. Then we woke up after noon and everyone else was just getting up. Then it was time for some major cleaning, before we all got in the shower and got ready. After that, it was off to Duluth to go to Park Point and have some fun on the beach with everybody. It was a good time. We had an amazing sword fight on the sand and in the water and then just relaxed. The cutest little blonde boys asked if they could use the swords. It was pure entertainment, watching them run around and argue with each other, trying to pop the bubbles Vikram was blowing with the swords. It made us all laugh and smile. One was convinced he was a ninja, the other a warrior. The night finished off with Aubrey, Laura, Sydney and I having a wonderful dinner at Applebees. It feels weird to be home and not at Aubrey's. This three day getaway was overall good for me. To be surrounded around people who...didn't bring me down like others have been lately. It was a lot of fun. And I'm glad I went. No matter how nervous I was beforehand. I can't wait until the Biebonic Plague spoon video goes up on youtube. And I love how I can't stop saying "YEEEEEAH" like Tarissa.

More later.

"I'm just a body!" -Laura Swanoski

You wouldn't understand.

Time for some much needed sleep.

Three Day Retreat: Day Two

Why is it always the quiet people that get shunned once they finally speak up? And this time I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the really sweet, Laura Swanoski. But I understand how she feels...

So, today Laura and I woke up at 11:47. Our plan was to be out of the house and in canal by noon! Everyone else was already up! And then it started to thunderstorm! We played two hours of apples to apples, ate Toy Story and Spongebob mac and cheese and laughed about nothing in particular. Vikram ran through the house and up the stairs with only a towel on. We were waiting for Jess and Caitlin to show up and Syd and Aubrey decided to go to Walmart because we wanted to have dessert wantons. And then Vikram was all like "ZUMBA!" and he left. We think he just came for the milk. So, while they were gone, Jess showed up. Laura, Alex, Jess, Tarissa, and I went on the trampoline. (Note: Never try to shorten the word trampoline, because then it is tramp. I had said, 'I haven't been on a tramp in a long time!" in which Jess replied with, "I was last month!" Then we went down to the lake and Caitlin came down with us after discovering the house was empty. Vikram also returned in time for the viewing of many plastic silverware videos which apparently I can only call spoon videos. Then Tarissa, Laura and I just had to watch Pretty Little Liars and when one of the characters said 'legit' Tarissa was so excited. Her facial expression was amazing. And don't forget the constant Mean Girls quote. "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE!" And then...Well, we got on the subject of Justin Bieber after all the spoon videos and we decided to make one of us killing Justin Bieber. So we all 'spoonified' ourselves and filmed a video of us killing Justin Bieber by cutting off all of his hair. Some of the main questions of the video were, "Is Caitlin mexican?!" and "Why is Dane even in the movie?" (Note: He was killed off. Actually, snapped in half after we found out he was a belieber. GASP.) Laura wanted to go to Africa a lot and called it a country, when in fact, it is a continent. Justin Bieber had to make a public service announcement about it in which Aubrey used Alex's voice changer on his iphone to make her sound like a little girl (Or a chipmunk....or Justin Bieber.) My throat hurts from laughing.

What have I learned today? Caitlin is NOT mexican. She's persian.

More tomorrow. Laura is reading over my shoulder. (: (NOTE: She thinks I want to say something bad about her.)

Laura Swanoski is....

Bye.

Three Day Retreat: Day One.

Day one of the three day retreat has come to a close. I'm really glad to have been invited. I know I was definitely a nervous wreck before and I am still definitely a bit nervous, but I must say that Laura overall has kept me the most calm. Because she's more shy as well. We spent the day running random errands and stocking up on food. Then we went to Aubrey’s house and had a celebrity burning party. Most of the ones we burned were of Justin Bieber. XD Sorry Ayana. :) Then we somehow managed to fit the nine of us in the hot tub. We also ordered Chinese food and this girl I just met named Tarissa sure says the word 'legit' a lot. "It was legit." about everything. And then there's Vikram who didn't bring pants to sleep in, so he was just walking around in his boxers until Aubrey lent him a pair of Victoria's Secret pants, Alex who has really weird stories to tell and has an addiction to urban dictionary, Jess who has been deemed a lurker, Laura my more quiet companion, Catlin who I don’t know very well and Sydney who is just way too entertaining and who gave Aubrey a really elaborate birthday present. Tomorrow is the second day and we’ll see how that goes, but for now I’m getting some sleep. Oh and blogging from your phone fails.

"I hate aquatic plant life!" -Vikram Gill

Pointless.

My stomach is churning with anxiety. I should be done packing by now for tomorrow. I'm going to have fun. I know I will. I always usually do. It's all the worry before that bugs the shit out of me. I get physically sick before social events. In the words of my coworker Dan, "You're nervous to have fun?!" I know, it doesn't make sense. It's been this way since I was little though. I hate it. I feel abnormal because of it. I mean, I couldn't spend the night at someone's house until I was fifteen. And it always embarrassed me. I'd make up excuses not to go and many could see through my lies. Easily.

I should get some sleep. And stop obsessing over the fact that I'm going to forget something.

Goodnight. My next few blogs are going to be from my cell phone since I won't be home through Wednesday.

Lady Gaga, Burger King, Hungarians and Transgenders?!

So my first day working the 11 to 7 shift was interesting. Many interesting things happened today....

1.)
CJ: So...how's your Puerto Rican?
Me: Well, I haven't really talked to him recently.
CJ: Well, why don't you write him a song!?! Juliano, Juliano! Juli-juli-ano, Juli-juli-ano!!
Tanner: Uhm, CJ, you stole that from Lady Gaga.
CJ: THAT'S ALEJANDRO! This is completely different!
Me: ...
Tanner: Juliano? Is that the masculine form of Julie?

2.)
Shawn (On drive-thru about the guy that's ordering): I don't think he's American...
Me: He's hungarian?!
Shawn: What?! (Starts laughing into headset) CRAP!!!
Heidi: Are you sure he wasn't just hungry?

3.)
This guy from my grade, Matt Davey, came into Burger King and ate. Then I saw him walk towards the bathrooms. I had to go to the bathroom, so I went to the bathroom. And when I was washing my hands, he came out of the stall next to me. Why was he in the GIRL'S bathroom?!
Heidi (After me explaining this): Well does he have a daughter?
Me: No...
Heidi: Is he a transgender?!
Me: I don't think so...

4.)
The stink bomb that someone threw in the entrance.

5.)
The fact that I SURVIVED.

I think I like my new shampoo...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

Today...

I played solitaire until four thirty in the morning. And then I spent my day with two caffeinated thirteen year old boys who think it's fun to sit in the back seat of my car while I'm driving and hang the windshield brush out the window and yell at random old men and confuse them. I shouldn't have let them purchase large iced mochas.

Payday today. I got 185 dollars and 2 cents! Then I spent a half hour in the shampoo and conditioner aisle at Walmart, debating on which shampoo and conditioner I wanted. It was a very tough choice I must say, but I ignored Herbal Essences products. Why? Because they fail at making my hair nice in anyway. My decision? Pantene! For thick hair and to prevent damage and breakage. I hate having thick hair. Of course then....I get home.

Mom: What kind of shampoo did you get?
Me: Pantene for thick hair.
Mom: Oh...I used that. And it made my hair greasy.

FAIL.

Join me on my journey for the right shampoo. It's going to be a long one....

Why do I love the Hunger Games series so much? And why is the name Peeta so funny?

I need a life. I need a life. I need a life.

Burger King randomness.

Me: CJ, do you find Puerto Ricans attractive?
CJ: HELL YES! ...Why do you ask?
Me: No reason.
CJ: Are you into a Puerto Rican?! OOOH I want the dirt!
Me: There really isn't any dirt.
CJ: Did you ask because you're concerned if it's right to like a Puerto Rican or not since Puerto Rico is trying to become the 51st state?!
Me: Yes, CJ. That is why I asked.

James: This kid I know just got his fourteenth under age charge last night!
Ryan: Can't they like....give him the death penalty for that?

Some old guy gave me ninety six cents today! (:

Random Thoughts;

I really need new shampoo. That is one 'unsatisfied-with-my-hair' face. And look at my hair! It's all tangled and crazy! Good thing the shampoo's almost gone. My plans for Friday after getting my paycheck? NEW SHAMPOO! Herbal Essences is stupid. The bottle says, 'I'm so good I'll put clean thoughts in your head.' The only thing great about the brand is reading the bottles.


My trip to the library resulted in these books. Now hopefully I will actually read them! I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything lately.

'Cause lately I'e been tired and uninspired;;

Oh so tired....

I've figured out that people can surprise you. And that surprise, it isn't always good.

"Ravenously. I love that word. It makes me want to bite something!" -Carrie Jones

I miss writing. I want to write again. I have this amazing college ruled, five subject notebook and it's blank. My goal? To fill the pages. With something. Anything.

Fourteen days....

"Well, the 'king' can kiss my diabetic ass! He's keeping you away from me!"
-Juliano Lorenzo Santiago

You told me to hang in there, and here I am. Hanging. Holding.

Miss you. <3

[in]sanity.

"If there's a book you really want to read and it hasn't been written yet, you must write it."


OH MY GOD! She's thinking straight! She knows right from wrong! She cares about herself and others. KILL HER NOW!

Damn, I better start running.


Maybe I will write this story.
A story of a town called Superior, Wisconsin....

What have I learned today?

1.) Demi Lovato likes to take over my itunes when it's on shuffle and when I'm upset.
2.) Emily Bujnowski is my hero.
3.) Apparently being sane is insane.
4.) My sleeping pattern is majorly off.
5.) Superior, Wisconsin is insane.

Welcome to Superior, Wisconsin. Where nobody gives a fuck. We all just pretend to be friends. Nobody cares about their own safety and if you worry you're insane! Don't tell people you care about them because it's a turn off! Oh and creepy people who try to give you drugs, they can't and won't hurt you! Don't worry about what might happen to you. Drugs can't mess with you brain, knives can't kill and people don't BLEED! If you don't care about yourself and your willing to throw your life away, this is the perfect place to live!

"Life is more fun, when words aren't a gun." -Brittani Taylor.

I love you Ayana!

We were making fun of Ayana's hair that night. And imitating it. But nothing was better than hers. Unfortunately she wore a hat to tame it. I still love you, Ay. Even though you love Justin Bieber and HATE me!!!!

Bieber Fever?!

I must say I feel bad for Shane Dawson.

Unlocked;

On my vacation to Eagle River, my parents dragged me to an antique show. I thought I'd be bored, but I was actually intrigued. This guy had a shoebox full of old antique keys to dressers and chests. I looked through the box for over twenty minutes before coming to the conclusion that this was the one I wanted.

"You're the first person to want to buy one of these."

"I'm going to put it on a necklace and wear it around my neck."

"Each key comes with a story, the mystery of it is, you'll never know the story. What it opened or who it belonged to. Keep it close to your heart."

Float Away....

A day spent in canal park with Cecilia is a day not wasted. It was about time I got some sun. Duluth is like a different world compared to my town of Superior. It was a nice change. And it's truly is beautiful there, even if I do need Cicy to guide me around because I'm a fail at driving. With her, I'll never get lost.

Bursts of Color in the nightsky;

Tonight I saw a ship in the sky flying off to Neverland! Oh and fireworks :)