Keys;

I love my new key.
Antique key necklace with copper wings and the inside of an old wristwatch.
It's beautiful.
Grad present to myself.
<3
Because I say so.
Oh, how I love antique shops.

3 more days of high school.

BLAHH.

....Well,

Thanks Mom for your like four contradicting emotions/conversations with me.
I really enjoyed spending my night crying and in confusion and feeling worthless.

Bipolar much?

Long weekend of work over.

Monday is Memorial Day which is tomorrow.
Spending the day with my family in Hayward.
Should be interesting
AND WARMMMM. <3

It's Friday before memorial day weekend...

Which means I have four days of actual school left. Holy shit.

I can't comprehend this....

I also can't comprehend how it might be 1300 dollars worth of damage.
Hopefully they get more estimates and it's cheaper.
Because I can't pay a huge rate on insurance each month because it goes up super high as a result of this.
And I can't deal with the guilt of my mom paying it so it doesn't go up....

I'm tired.
I work all weekend.
And then monday is memorial day and I'm catching up on sleep.
And then...four days left.

I'm feeling like I just want to sleep for a while and not wake up.
Because I just don't want to deal.
With emotions....

SIGH.

Thursdays usually hate me;

Today needs to end. Now.

I woke up from a nightmare
I was almost late to school
My novel said it has "issues" and I can't get my paperback copy until they are fixed and I don't even understand what's wrong with it
There was no barbeque sauce at lunch
I HIT SOMEONE'S CAR.

That's right. In the parking lot, I hit someone's door that was wide open.
Good thing he was cool about it. And his dad.
Except if it's over 1000 dollars in damage I'm going to be in so much trouble with my mom.
Insurance rates are going to go up and to prevent that she's going to have to pay money out of her pocket
I feel horrible. HORRIBLE.
I've felt horrible all day about it.

And then I had to go to work and deal with Carrie.
Of course I only worked until like seven.

Why is Tanner so sweet? Why is he so cute?
If anything, he made my day better.
He offered to work for me. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me things are going to be okay.
He kept asking me what was wrong and when I finally told him, he understood.
He told me stories of things he did that were stupid.
He kept trying to make me laugh.

"What's wrong Syd? Would you smile? You're always telling me to be in a better mood at work. I don't like seeing you like this. You're never like this. Lighten up."

^^ WITH HIS TANNER SMILE.

GAHHHHH.

I think I'm going to take some sleeping pills and "zonk" as Jamie would say. Because I really can't be awake anymore.

Because no matter what anyone tells me I'm not going to believe it's okay until I hear how much the damage cost is tomorrow.

....

That award ceremony made me feel more stupid than it made me feel accomplished.

.....I really just need to get some confidence.
Before I die.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just need a good cry. Like today. And now I want to cry all over again?

There are so many things stirring up these emotions inside of me...

Graduation....the ending of high school, starting college, saying goodbye to amazing people, the fear of losing touch with them, the fear of being forgotten, the fear of everything changing on me. I hate change. I've never adjusted well to it. I do well on routine, on making plans for myself and to-do lists.

I feel like everyone is so caught up in their own thing, what they need to get done, where they're going for school, their life...and figuring everything out. And we don't have much time left together and I'm realizing that even though they're still here....it's like a lot of them are already gone. In the sense of mind, I mean. I've grown attached to these people in so many ways, in such a few short months. Less than a year or so it seems....And I'm scared. So scared. And I miss them all. I miss them even though I see them everyday.

And I just...miss things in general. Life moves fast. And I'm scared, excited, sad and nostalgic.

I just need to breathe...I just want everyone else to take a break and take a breath with me...

Feelings and Stabbing;

Suddenly....

I feel really unloved.

I don't know where this feeling came from.

Maybe it's because time is running out in high school and all of my friends are busier than hell.

But.....gah.

I hate this feeling.

Having dreams about your coworker stabbing you to death and then seeing them at work the next day is not cool. Just sayin.'

Glee dreams, naps and placement testing;

Today I took a nap. <3 I never take naps and it was wonderful. Especially after a long week of school, long hours at the King and college placement tests at 8 a.m this morning which involved me getting out of bed at 7. Plus, I have allergies or the beginning of a cold. Please tell me it's just allergies... Anyway, during this amazing four hour nap I had a dream I was on Glee, except the entire time I was freaking out because my mom wouldn't sign the permission slip to let me go to nationals. Rachel Berry kept harassing me about it and Blaine hated me for reasons unknown. Just every time I passed Darren Criss, he'd glare at me. I don't understand...

College placement tests were...interesting. The math part looked mostly gibberish to me. Probably because the last year of math I completed was in tenth grade and that was two years ago... All of that geometry nonsense hurt my brain and after a while I was just filling in random bubbles. I do not want to take math next year. I'm going to be put in the lowest level. I wouldn't be surprised. And then I have to work my way up....Sigh. The Spanish test made more sense to me than the math. I stayed for the entire test and finished it, understanding a majority of it while most people left after ten or fifteen minutes. I felt good about that at least...

I'm done with high school in two weeks. I have one half of a monday left in high school, which is tomorrow since we have memorial day off. Insane, huh? I'm thinking so.

Anyway, I feel shitty, I should go to bed and I work five days this week which should be brutal and tiring, so I'm going to go to sleep.

It's Friday....

Oh, I am so tired. Too bad this weekend is full of work and college placement tests...

Two weeks left of school.

Two weeks left of high school in general.

I'm going to start closing at Burger King in a few weeks. O:

I'm gonna get trained in it.

That should be interesting.

At least it's Heidi and Tanner.

Top Two Things that happened at work today:

1. When I accidentally hit Heidi in the face with my ponytail and she said "You whipped your hair at my face!" and then we both started singing "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith at the same time.

2. Tanner quit smoking weed and cigarettes. He immediately became more attractive.

GRRRR.

Uhm, I'm sorry Mrs. Wolden, but this is not right.

I did not fail the Lord of the Flies test.

You fail as a teacher.

And I will be glad to say goodbye to your glass come June.

I WILL BE A WAY BETTER ENGLISH TEACHER THAN YOU.

Okay,

So I feel like a major dork, but I'm really proud of myself. I got a Connection Slip today at work. We started this thing a few months ago that all Burger King's are doing called "Making Connections." You sign a pledge to make connections with customers, be polite and helpful, etc. Only two people had gotten slips up until tonight. It was a super busy night and as I was handing out my last order before going home at 9:45, Lee walked over and taped something onto my name tag. It was a Connection slip and it said "For your positive attitude and plenty of pleases and thank you's throughout the night."

I felt good about that.

In other news, I'm exhausted and spent all day around rocks. Climbing rocks, examining rocks, looking for rocks, etc. I also climbed over a fence to get into somewhere for the first time ever. I think our entire class was trespassing.... xD Yay for geology fieldtrips.

Meh.

I really hate it when my mom just comes home in a bad mood and asking her a simple question turns into her yelling at you about everything and anything that doesn't have to do with your simple yes or no question. It's frustrating. She should learn to control herself. I get she's in a bad mood, but not everyone in the house needs to be.

I was able to cross a few things off of my to-do list today. I feel a little less crazy.

My head hurts. Like always.

conquered;

I have conquered my british literature research paper...sorta. And you know what? I don't care if it's horrible. It's done and I tried semi-hard on it. I'm just so sick of school.

Last night was the weirdest night EVER. I know I got sleep. A good amount of it, but it felt like I hadn't slept at all. I was falling asleep all day in class and had the worst headache ever. And then I randomly took a 45 minute nap on my release? Stress. That's what it is.

One more essay to do before Friday.

Must. Find. Motivation.

Not many days left of school and I'll be walking that stage.

Ahhh, for a monday...today wasn't that bad.

Red Mug, why didn't I discover you earlier? I spent three hours there today with Jamie. Chatting, eating paninis and kettle chips, drinking hot chocolate and lemonade. And guess what? My research paper for british literature is near done! I have about 3/4 of a page left and a citation page! BUT IT'S ALMOST DONE. Plus, I got all my scholarship shenanigans done so I can turn that in tomorrow and that crosses almost two complete things off of my to do list. Now I just have that ridiculous geology paper and studying for spanish vocab quizzes to do. I think I'll lay down and read a chapter or two of Lord of the Flies before I sleep because I actually like the book and I need to get a little caught up. I think i just need to take things one day at a time, otherwise I'll go insane.

Almost done with high school...

Now for dinner with the family, a nice hot shower and delving into Lord of the Flies....

Pointless....

For the most part, a much needed good weekend.

Back to the busy hellish life again tomorrow.

At least I've got half of this stupid research paper done.

Goodnight.

Mmm;

Tonight was one of those nights of simplicity.

Red Mug. Random chatting. Comfortable silence. Hot chocolate. Vanilla scented candles. Tumblr stalking Ian Somerhalder and Alex Pettyfer. Obsessing over The Mortal Instruments Series.

....As usual.

I couldn't ask for a better best friend.

Goodnight.

Friday;

Blogger decided to fail at life yesterday when I needed it most...

I AM SO GLAD IT'S FRIDAY.

FRIDAY, FRIDAY, SYDNEE'S GETTING SLEEP ON FRIDAYYYYY.

Sorry. I'm a dork. I get it, but last night was hell-ish. I was sick from too much caffeine the entire night and barely got four hours of sleep, probably less than that. Plus my Red Wings lost. D: And it's the end of the second season of Vampire Diaries. (The episode was REALLY good by the way). I cleaned up my room a bit tonight and made brownies. It's nice to just sit here and relax. Thank god my british literature research paper's due date was changed to Wednesday. That's nice. Gives me some cushion...

I can't believe how fast school is going. This is scary as SHIT.
AND WTF AM I DOING?! I have to start thinking of Grad gifts....
And prepare myself for saying goodbye to three amazing people: Janis, Caitlin and Sydney.

SIGH.

Honestly I'm just glad I survived this week.

So...

I feel  a little bit better about life now. I finished one of my papers out of three. I did it all tonight and I'm going to get 10 percent extra credit on it for turning it in early. Not like I need it with a 103 percent, but still. It's nice to have something done. Makes me feel a bit ahead of the game... Now I just have my Brit Lit research paper and my Geology essay....Ew. But that knocks one thing off of my list. Plus I worked on my scholarship thank you letters a bit as well.

I need all the tranquility I can get since I almost gave myself a heart attack today. I made a to-do list, which usually helps sort out the tasks I have to complete, but instead it made me panic. I freaked out that I wouldn't get anything done and had this urge all day to just go home and get started on everything because I was so overwhelmed and scared. I was fidgety and unable to concentrate and I remember sitting in Spanish class ready to break, scraping my hand up against the desk to relieve the tension. Of course I only remembered this at the end of the day when I saw how scratched up my hand was. No idea why I did that or why at the time I didn't realize what I was doing...

All I know is that I need to take a deep breath. I just really hate how much is piled on in the last three weeks of school when all I want is to graduate and move on.

Oh well...take it one day at a time. That's what I gotta tell myself, I guess.

GAME 7 HERE WE COME!

Down 3-0 in the series? And guess what Sharks? We just tied it up!
Game 7 here we come!
Back to San Jose, for the game that decides it all.

I know you can do it guys. <3
We're going at Vancouver!
We WILL.

Too bad I'll be at work while the game's going on and I'll probably only see the end. D:
I better get text updates from my dad....

too much to do;

Things I have to do before June:

-All Night Grad Party permission slip and baby photos
-Sign up for S.O.A.R
-UWS placement tests
-Scholarship thank you letters
-American Government essay
-Brit Lit essay
-Clean up my room...
-Get my hair cut
-Finish revisions on my book
-Work


....Sigh. I should get started on some of that tonight except I'm going to end up:
Watching Glee
Watching the Red Wings game.
^^ the one that decides it all.
THEY MUST ADVANCE TO PLAY THE CANUCKS <3

"I mean, what would life be like without crying?"
"Dry?"

^^ Jamie and I are AWESOME.

...Uh.

That moment when you you're so damn tired that you feel like biting someone's head off.

Goodnight.

Kronwall (:

^^ The reason we're not totally dying right now. 

2-1.

You can pull this off, Red Wings.

I KNOW IT.

Sunday Day Shift...

Sunday day shifts at work are always the most interesting out of all the times I work.

The Usual Sunday Crew:
-Heidi
-Jessica
-Tanner
-Dan
-Corey

Top 10 Interesting/Awesome Things That Happened Today:

10.) How Jess and I failed at breakfast and my hands were shaking so bad I couldn't get the french toast sticks in the carton.
9.) How we all kept dropping things throughout the day. (Dishes, onion rings, money)
8.) Tanner's story about him and his friends going on road trips and driving around blasting Jock Jams and peeing in water bottles. "It's really hard to pee and drive at the same time, Syd!"
7.) "Totes my goats" and "For real my seal" becoming frequently used phrases among us.
6.) Tanner's high pitched scream when he burned himself on onion rings trying to save them when he tried to put them in the bag and missed.
5.) Tanner and I singing along to "Never Too Late" by Three days Grace when it came on his iPhone on Pandora.
4.) Heidi's random dance moves when "Stereo Love" came on.
3.) The large abundance of compliments I get on my eye glitter.
2.) The fact that we're getting ice cream cones.
1.) Exchanging awkward glances all day.

In no specific order.

-Sigh-

Dear Tumblr,

You piss me off.

Sincerely,

Sydnee

alala;

‎"'Mouth to brain, can you read me? Please send further instructions." -Flip


That was a really good book. Made me a bit more motivated to add the scenes I need to to my book, which needs to be done by June.
Not to mention I have so many essays to write...


I had a great night with Jamie. She made me breakfast in the morning. :D




This is a pointless blog...


Time to go to work!

Sadness?

That episode of Vampire Diaries was no help in boosting my mood.

Jenna died.

And Damon's probably on his way to death....

I don't understand how they can save him at this point.

Apparently the finale next week is supposed to be 'gut wrenching.'

....Sigh. It is now midnight and being the good student I am, I haven't touched my homework and instead came home and cried for a good hour and a half and then watched Vampire Diaries which made me cry all over again.

My head hurts and I can't stand the thought of doing anything that makes me have to think....

I'm worried about everything. About everybody in my life. Not so much that I won't persevere, but that they won't. I'm terrified of that. Happiness shouldn't be too much to ask for.

If there's a God, what the hell is he doing? And why isn't He/whoever helping those I love?

Could this be out of line;

To say you're the only one, breaking me down like this?


One of the most agonizing pains I've ever felt: Glitter burning your eyes when you're crying and your make-up is running down your face.

I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want things to get this complicated.
I want simplicity back.
To feel like I have control over how I feel.

Is it horrible that I feel like locking myself in my room all day tomorrow?
I don't want to talk to anybody right now.
I just want to shut out the world
Listen to my music
And enjoy a new episode of Vampire Diaries.

I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling.
I just want to hide.

We'll see how easy sleep comes tonight.

VITAMIN D FINALLY!

Living in Wisconsin, I feel as if I am often deprived of sun. It feels like it's winter 99 percent of the year and the seasons just don't want to change. Monday morning it was snowing. Today it was in the sixties and sunny with this amazing breeze that skyrocketed my mood. Not to mention I spent the morning half of my day at Amincon Falls State Park wandering around aimlessly with one of my best friends. That sunshine is just enough to brighten my day. (HA. PUN). Anyway... it was much needed, considering the toll stress is taking on me lately. I need to just take a moment to breathe, but often that's the hardest thing for me to do.

I just turned in my psychology project on Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Is it sad that the entire case study I wrote for it consists of events that have ALL happened to me? I don't want to seem like I'm self diagnosing myself, but often I really feel as if I have this disorder. And it SUCKS. The anxiety doesn't leave you alone and you worry non-stop about everyday things most people only shrug at. It makes me think I'm crazy...

I started writing a poem about it that developed from the last paragraph of my case study. I'll probably post it on here later.

All I know is, I'm STARVING. And I'm holding onto that sunshine I got this morning. <3
Because with graduation exactly ONE MONTH from today...I'm getting a little nostalgic and...frazzled.

Breathe, Sydnee. Just breathe.

Gotta turn the world into your dancefloor;

I need to be less of a spazz.
How ironic is that I practically had an anxiety attack while writing my anxiety disorder research paper for psychology? xP
Fail.

I embarrass myself and now my stomach is sick.
Bleh.

Work.
Hopefully getting my car back tonight.
Glee.
Homework.
Picking out clothes for tomorrow

Amnicon Falls field trip for the morning tomorrow.
I'll take it.

Sigh...

A simple text can make me sick to my stomach.

"He said he was sorry he missed. I told him he really should say sorry to you. He got silent and looked like he fucked up. I think he said he was going to...but he was wasted."

^^ Wonderful.

Why do I even care?

I wanna feel some sensitivity;

On repeat lately ^^

Fieldtrips;

I spent half of my day freezing my ass off in the woods with a ton of people, tripping over sticks and navigating myself through an unsturdy bridge covered by trees and branches over a creek. Interesting huh?

"What kind of a tree is this?"
"Uhhh....."
"THAT'S A BIRCH TREE!"
"This is why some species eat their young."

Mr. Polkinghorne, you are so entertaining.

My head hurts.
I want my car.
My new glitter eye kit Aubrey got me is amazing.
I failed a spanish vocab quiz today.

Why can't you just apologize?

AHAHAHAHA. DAMON. <3

.....Come on Red Wings... YOU GOT THIS.
MAKE MY DAY BETTER DAMNIT. <./3

I...

am eating my emotions.

One word: Donuts.

I fail.

I got 3 scholarships? 1,500 dollars. Yay!

My room's a mess.

I'm too lazy to clean it up.

I have no idea how I'm getting to school or work this week....

Someday You Will Be Loved;

My head hurts so bad.

I put myself through so much nervousness, so much sickness, so much spazziness. So much...everything.
I panicked. I worried. I made myself sick. All for nothing. And not because it went well. Because he didn't even show. The sad thing? This is one of the things I was panicking about. Him not showing. Normally my worries are irrational, but this one actually happened.

Apparently he was sleeping. But he couldn't text me an apology, couldn't call me or anything. No, but he texted Lucas and told him that he was sleeping, but not me.

First date and I was practically stood up. Win, right?

Is it so hard, to ask to feel....beautiful for once? Liked? Special? Important? By a guy? Just once. In my life. I'm eighteen years old.

And this wasn't a confidence booster.

Is it totally pathetic that I'm crying? I tried so hard not to. So hard...
This is so damn stupid.

And my mom is pissed off at every moment about something different.
Please Mom, just leave me alone.

Everyone, just....shut up. Please.

And I can't even blog about the good stuff that happened last night...the amazing friends I have. Instead, this is all that's on my mind.

That and I probably put Jamie through awkward hell last night.
Why can't she see that people do like her?
That she's not a fuck up?
That it's not her fault?

wakgjewaljakjglawgjawkljgkrjgrkgjrjrkagjkeagjawejawgkaj.

"But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet

Someday you will be loved."

-Death Cab For Cutie