Today was the fourth of July, also known as Independence Day. I went to the annual parade and tanned while everyone else in my family burned, to which my Dad said, "It must be great being half-Mexican." Reminds me that I miss Miss Janis Avalos-Rios. <3 Anyway, then we went to Applebees and I came home having that headache again and I passed out on my bed for a good three hours. I can't explain what's been happening lately with that. I've been falling asleep randomly. This feeling just comes over me. The dull aching of my head and I'm unable to think and I get super moody. I lay down and then I'm out, just like that. It's annoying really. And then I always have nightmares... This one was short and one of the worst. What I learned from this nightmare? Don't let strangers in your house. They might just try to rape you and then chop up your brother with an axe. Why does my mind create these horrible images? I know this blog is really random, but it's everything jumbled together at once, and somehow I'm okay with that. Screw organization. I'm buying that journal tomorrow, before I have to go to work. It's my goal for the day tomorrow, besides sleeping in. Ha.
I really hate the person I am sometimes, yet I love who I am. I love that I care for other people. I actually firmly believe that the reason I was put on this Earth was to help other people in any way I can. I've always known that. No matter what people say, I know it's true. Yet, it's really taking a toll on me. (WARNING: SELFISH MOMENT AHEAD) I take in everybody's problems. I always have. And I like doing it. I love to help people, have them talk things out and I like offering whatever advice I can, but lately it feels like there's too many people to help at one time. I don't know how and my brain hurts too much from these headaches to even try to be helpful and then I feel like I'm acting as if I don't care, snapping at them or not offering any sort of help and I hate it. And it sucks. I think it's one of the reasons I feel like this. I'm stressed, but not because of anything going on in my life. My life is fine. It's everyone else's. But I don't want to tell them this. Because I want people to keep confiding in me. I like being that person. I don't really care what toll it takes on me as long as it's helping them, but it's getting tough. And it seems even a good night's sleep in my new queen bed can't even fix that.
Maybe I've just been working way too much. Good thing this coming week, my work schedule is toned down.
I feel guilty. About today. I felt like shit for a majority of the day. (I mean I randomly slept for four hours). There might have been an hour where I didn't and that hour was blissful, but all of my friends were out at Wisconsin Point. They were begging me to come. They all wanted me there. They miss me. Believe me, I know this. I finally have real friends and time is running out to see them because college is nearing and then Burger King decides to own my life. But I was going to be able to see them today and I just couldn't bring myself to go. Anxiety was getting the better of me and I just felt like...I got hit by a semi truck. And Morgan was having such a hard time, I was so worried. And then she just drove over and hung out for a while and I think I managed to help make her feel better, which was good. And even though our towns' fireworks sucked as usual, we got to eat smores and then watch the lightning as the sky turned purple and the yellow bolts lit up the sky. And I feel like we bonded over it. Because we were both thinking the same thing: Zeus found some Twin Souls tonight. Thunderstorms and lightning strikes have never meant so much to me.
I hope my head doesn't explode from overload. The thing is, half of the things I'm thinking about aren't my thoughts. They're not thoughts about things going on in my life. My mom's always telling me I take on other people's problems and make them as my own. I used to just shrug and deny it. But now I'm realizing it's true. I make them my problems and I try to fix them. But am I capable? I can't fix everything. I know this. So why do I tire myself trying?
Because I love these people.
Goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment