Questions,

I haven't blogged in weeks and I only have questions:

When will we get our next time limited conversation?

Where are you?

Are you thinking of me too?

Are you okay?

What's going on in your life?

Why are you punishing yourself?



All questions that cannot be answered.


I've never known anything so painful. So much more than physical pain. Loving someone with such a distance and no communication is pure torture.

I need you here, but you're always so far away;

Two people who love each other, they shouldn't have to be separated.

I was in Willmar, MN Thursday-Sunday, visiting my dad. My whole family of five in a one bedroom apartment. Interesting. That's all I can say. But it was good to spend time with him. Seeing my family all together again reminded me of how much we rely on each other. It was heartbreaking to say goodbye to him. I wish he could have gotten in the car with us and went home. Because he belongs here.

The sad thing is, we all believed he'd be back in the next few weeks. He had an interview at a job in Duluth. He was told he was the number one candidate. That they were going to pick him. And that didn't surprise me. My dad is the most kind, helpful, dedicated and hardworking person. I admire him so much for it. So it was hard to come home from work last night and hear my mom say he didn't get the job. That they picked someone else. My dad cried. He rarely cries.

It's not fair to them. I'm not religious. Not in the least bit, but this is something I'm going to pray for.

And I miss you. Where are you? Two weeks. I guess I shouldn't be counting because that drives me crazy. I was sick the one time I got to talk to you and I don't even remember it. Usually you get on a few times a week. And the hurricanes....I hope you're alright. I shouldn't worry so much, but I miss you.

I feel like a zombie lately. 13 hours of sleep last night. Guess I needed it. It was nice to have a day off from school. I'm just trying to take life day by day. To surround myself with great people. I know if I don't, I'll go crazy.

Employee of the month? Free food? WIN.

Lalalalala.

BLAHHHHHH.

YAWN. That's all I can say. September means start of school and it also means everyone brings back their germs, which also means I got sick. Hello nyquil, kleenex and my bed. I swear that's all I saw for two straight days. That and the inside of my eye lids....and some pretty fucked up dreams. I'm better now, but congested. Annoying. I miss my dad. I miss my island dweller, but what else is new? And I have a headache. I guess I should go to bed, but I just remembered my blog...I sorta fail lately.

GOALS:
Find a senior project mentor.

Well, I guess it's more like one goal. I'm too tired right now to come up with anything. At least tomorrow's friday, but then I work all weekend. Fail.

Carrie would classify this as a....

RUP.

Headaches & Seniority;

It's crazy, being a senior. I got my senior project approved and as of right now I'm scheduled to present on February 16th, 2011. I can't believe on June 4, 2011 I'll be walking that stage. Being a senior is still scary. But it's a little bit less terrifying now that I'm figuring things out. College is still up in the air. I know I'm going. I know what I'm going for. But I don't know where I'm going. I'm too scared to travel off on my own. It's funny how much I've been thinking about life lately. How things that once seemed so important, don't affect me much anymore. Because I know what I want and who I am. And now when I hear things people are talking about, complaining about, or saying to one another, I stop and think about how stupid they are and shake my head. Because they're missing out. Sure it's a part of growing up, I went through it too. But being immature, stepping over others to get yourself noticed, always needing a boyfriend, starting rumors, treating people like shit, the name calling, the constant gossip. It's all pointless. There are so much important things in life. So many better people to surround yourself with. And I can only hope that those people who haven't gotten to the point I have, will. Someday.

My headaches are plentiful lately. I guess you could say they're getting on my nerves, but I know it's from a little extra stress. But surprisingly, I'm doing well handling things. I think. Well, for me, I'm doing well at least. I've got a job, I've been hanging out with some great new people, concentrating on myself a bit more, letting myself enjoy life. So I'm doing alright. Even if I miss my dad. <3

I missed you today. I rarely get to talk to you and I count on that little bit of time we have. And I missed it. I hope you're back tomorrow.

"Boy, I wish you were beside me, a positive reaction, more distance, more attraction, interaction, never ever felt like this before,"
-Electronic Lover by Breathe Electric

Sigh...

I've come to the conclusion that Brittani Taylor is the next most inspiring person to me, after the members of Three Days Grace of course. She rewrites the lyrics to popular pop songs that have so much more meaning. They always have a great message. I can't stop listening to her version of Teenage Dream. Sosososo much better than Katy Perry's.


I really miss you,
Hope that you miss me too,
I wanna hold you,
Nothing that I can do,
So ordinary,
Without you by my side,
And I cry,

I loved your laughter,
The look that you gave just me,
Such a disaster,
I wish my soul was free,
So I could find you,
Wherever you are out there,
Cause I Care,

Why’d you go,
Why did you leave,
Me alone,
In life,
It’s not fair,
That you are gone,
And I feel empty inside,

I hope you are in a better place,
Hope the Lord has your soul to save,
Nothing left in my heart to break,
And now you are gone,
I am so torn,

All I saw was the love in you,
Heart so strong and I always knew,
You were mine and I was yours,
You are no more,
I can’t ignore,

I found a picture,
Remembered the night we spent,
With us together,
Barely could pay the rent,
It didn’t matter,
Because you were my best friend,
Till the end,

I can’t scream,
It does no good,
Doesn’t fix, what’s wrong,
No way to reverse the past,
Me and you,
How do I move on?

I hope you are in a better place,
Hope the Lord has your soul to save,
Nothing left in my heart to break,
And now you are gone,
I am so torn,

All I saw was the love in you,
Heart so strong and I always knew,
You were mine and I was yours,
You are no more,
I can’t ignore,

This may seem obscene,
But I keep living,
Knowing I will see you soon,

And I feel misplaced,
Cause life’s a race,
You set the pace for now,

I know you are in better place,
See you at the pearly gates,
My heart beats to see my fate,
I live for you,
I will make it through,

Maybe it was just your time,
I know I will be just fine,
Cause of love must be divine,
I will see again,
I will see my best friend.

This may seem obscene,
But I keep living,
Knowing I will you see you soon,

And I feel misplaced,
Cause life’s a race,
You set the pace for now,

For now.

AMAZING.

I'm lame. I'm way too out of it lately. My family feels distanced. Weird. It was the strangest thing, not having my dad here all week and then my mom and brother being gone this weekend with him because he finally got an apartment and they were helping him set up. My family's always been together. It's different. And I miss my dad. But it could be worse. Family's go through way worse. So I shouldn't be complaining.

I wish you would listen to me. I always listen to you. But when I have a problem, you just start talking about yourself. Thanks. Makes me feel important.

Goodnight. I've got school in the morning. xP