HUNGRYYY.

Still sick. I ate one piece of toast today. Still sick from it over nine hours later.

My.Life.Fails.

And the next two days I work.
Wonderful, right?
That means I'll be eating nothing.

‎"What kind of warped crap do they teach you on the East Side, huh? You really think drug dealers walk around, scalking in alleys, hiding in shadows like doped up ninjas? Welcome to reality." -Sofia from Crossing Lines

WIN AYANA.

Sickness & Acceptance;

I stayed home and slept today. I was supposed to go to work. I couldn't find anybody to cover my shift for me, but when I got there, my manager took one look at me and told me to go home. My co-worker Tanner even offered to work it when he'd been there all day. There is some hope for the world lately.

I'm starving. I want to eat. But I know if I do I'll get super sick. It's not even the flu....but what is it?

I got accepted to UWS. I know that's not really so difficult to do, because it's not like it's a big college or anything. It's not like you have to get straight A's or write a freakin' four page essay to get in, but I still feel this huge sense of accomplishment. After I got that call and heard those words, everything seemed to look up for a moment.

I'm going to college next fall.

Because I can't even think of a title for this blog;

I tried so hard to make today a good day. But nothing seemed to work out. First I was almost late to school because every clothes combination I put on I felt uncomfortable. And then I thought I lost my ipod. And then I even tried to have fun and go out to lunch with a bunch of my friends, but of course I got sick after that too. My stomach hates me.

I was supposed to work five to ten tonight. That didn't happen. I was sent home before eight even arrived. Why? Because I passed out.

I've never known what that's like and it's scary as hell. My body feels so messed up. I can't eat anything without getting sick and it's enough to make me not want to eat at all. Plus, my moods aren't so well either.

"Alright, who broke your heart?" -Rejis, a coworker

Strange how that question applies. Only I didn't answer. I felt sick the entire time. In every way. And I was tired and upset and I just wanted to go home and crawl into bed. I feel spazzy. Like I've had too much caffiene, but that's not the case.

I'm going to go take those damn sleeping pills like my mother said, even if they do give me nightmares. Goodnight.

I'm not torn, I'm just getting it together;

I know I already posted today, but I think I've gone crazy.

I didn't go to my seventh hour class. I skipped economics. I couldn't take another person asking me why I was so quiet or if I was okay. It's not that I didn't know they had good intentions. They care for me, but...none of them know. They never will. I went out to my car, but I knew I couldn't go home because my dad would be there. So I sat there in my car, crying with the heat on and the radio on. And at that moment I didn't give a fuck about whether or not I was wasting gas.

I just cried.

This is me with no you.

Hello Again;

I haven't blogged since the day I wrote that letter. Almost two months ago. Most of it is because of National Novel Writing Month. I was slaving away at writing a book for my senior project. The other reason why I haven't gotten back to this? I'm not sure I know what to say anymore.

It's been three months. A few blog entries ago I was complaining about it being two weeks, which is nothing in comparison. I'm bitter. More bitter than the blackest cup of coffee or the negative temperatures outside right now.

Today I feel as if I'm not really there. I've barely said a word to anybody today. I just...don't know what to say. Because nobody knows what's going on in my mind right now. And they never will.

I can't even tell you how broken I am. How angry I am. How every second I want to cry. And nobody understands because they're not living it. I feel alone.

Today I'm alone and cold. And i just wanna curl up in my bed under a bunch of blankets and sleep. I can't even eat. I'm hungry but every time I eat something, I get sick. And I can't have that.

Where has hope gone? That's right. Hope was that tiny thread I was holding onto. It's snapped.